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    捐款。

    一个替教会募捐的小姑娘对一个老先生说:“请您为上帝捐些钱吧。”老先生看了一
    眼小姑娘,慢悠悠地说:“我想我会比你先见到他老人家的,到时候我亲自交给他
    吧!”。

    ------------------------------------------------------------------------

    智能

    约翰在机场侯机,闲来无聊站到一台体重机上,荧屏上马上出现你是约翰,体重87
    公斤,飞往纽约的字样。约翰十分惊奇,他十分钟以后戴着墨镜又站到这台机器上,
    荧屏上马上又显出你是约翰,体重87公斤,飞往纽约,约翰更加感到神奇了,他跑
    进盥洗室刮掉胡子,换掉衣服又来到这机器前,荧屏上马上显出你仍是约翰,你的体
    重仍是87公斤,你的飞机已于20分钟前飞走了。

    ------------------------------------------------------------------------

    伤心事

    一位病人去找他的心理医生说:大夫,想想我的处境吧,我最好的朋友跟我的太太一
    起跑了,他们已经走了一个多月了。我想念我的朋友多难受啊。

    ------------------------------------------------------------------------

    医生

    医生:“坦率地说,你的病真叫我们伤脑筋。不过我们会在尸体解剖时查明是什么病
    的。”

    ------------------------------------------------------------------------

    天堂里再见

    某人给自己刚逝世的朋友送了一个花圈,飘带上写到:“安息吧,再见。”
    事后,他觉得意犹未尽,便又打电话给殡仪馆:
    “请在‘再见’前面加‘天堂里’,如果挤得下的话。”
    第二天出殡时,他那个花圈的飘带上写著:“安息吧,天堂里再见,如果挤得下的
    话。”

    ------------------------------------------------------------------------

    狗叫

    深夜,伊藤家里突然来了个电话。电话里传来一个女人气呼呼的声音:“你的狗在乱
    叫,吵得我没法睡觉!”。“您是谁啊?”伊藤问。对方告诉了自己的姓名。第二天
    深夜同一时间,她家里也响起了电话铃声。听筒里传来了伊藤的声音:“对不起,尊
    敬的太太,我容幸的通知您,我家里从来就没有养狗”。

    ------------------------------------------------------------------------

    劝阻

    法官:被告在打你以前,你有没有设法阻止他?
    原告:有的。我用各种最恶毒最难听的语言来劝阻他,可是他仍然用拳头打了我一
    顿。

    ------------------------------------------------------------------------

    上帝

    精神病院里,一名患者对医生吼道:”我是国王,你们都要听我的!“
    医生皱了皱眉头:”谁告诉他的?”
    “上帝说的!”
    这时,另一名患者跳了出来:“我没有说过!”

    ------------------------------------------------------------------------

    宠物医院

    一位老太太播通了兽医的电话:我的孩子好吗?
    对不起,这里是宠物医院。兽医说。
    你以为我不知道?
    那么,夫人,请问,是猫还是狗?
    我是你的妈妈!!!!!!

    ------------------------------------------------------------------------

    约翰的妻子对他说:
    “你看看隔壁的Mr。Tom,每次出门要吻MsTom,每次回家也要吻MsTo
    m,
    你就不能象他一样吗?”约翰回答道:”我和人家还没有那么熟呢??????”

    ------------------------------------------------------------------------

    打赌

    约翰和迈克打赌二千美元说他能和麦当娜共舞一曲,结果他果然赢了。接着他赌他能
    和克林顿共进晚餐,迈克又输了。最后约翰赌他能和教皇一起出席重大的宗教仪式,
    在那个仪式上,约翰和教皇站在一起,远远地他看到迈克旁边的一个人和他耳语了一
    句,迈克就晕倒在地上了。
    事后迈克解释说,你和麦当娜在一起我不感到吃惊,和克林顿共进晚餐也没甚么,可
    当你和教皇出现,我旁边的那个人问了我一句话时,我却晕到了。他问的是“约翰旁
    边的那个人是谁”

    ------------------------------------------------------------------------

    咨询

    有一个律师办公室的桌上放着一块牌子,上书:“回答一个问题,收$100”
    有位太太来咨询,看到桌上的牌子很惊讶,问道:“回答一个问题真要收一百美元
    呀?”
    律师回答:“是的,请提第二个问题!”

    ------------------------------------------------------------------------

    越南人的抗议

    话说越南战争期间,越南人民举行示威抗议。
    游行队伍的旗帜高高飘扬,上书“美国佬滚回去!顺便把我们也捎上!“

    ------------------------------------------------------------------------

    醉酒

    一斗牛士在乡间喝酒,朋友们劝他不要多喝,可他为了逞能,喝到摇摇晃晃不能自
    主,
    然后抄近路赶往赛场,已有一头公牛卧在场上。斗牛士马上卧住双角与之剧烈搏斗,
    最后公牛落荒而逃。事后斗牛士随朋友们说:刚才我喝得的确多了一点,不然非把自
    行车上的那小子拽下来不可!!

    ------------------------------------------------------------------------

    船沉幸存的水手在一荒岛上待了几年,有天早上惊喜地见到海面上有一艘船和一艘小
    艇正向他划来。
    小艇泊在海滩上,船员把一捆报纸递给那困在岛上的水手。「是船长送的。他说请你
    把这些报纸看了然後通知我们你仍想不想获救。」

    ------------------------------------------------------------------------

    我去参观气象站,看到许多预测天气的最新仪器。参观完毕,我问站长:「你说有百
    分之七十五的机会下雨时,是怎样计算出来的?」站长不必多想便答道:「那就是
    说,
    我们这里有四个人,其中三个认为会下雨。」

    ------------------------------------------------------------------------

    侄儿是邮差,有次到一家住宅送信,一条狗迎面跑来不停地向他狂吠。那家人不在
    家,
    隔壁的妇人打开创户喊道:「想知道怎样把狗赶走吗?」「当然想,」侄儿说,「我
    怕它会咬我。」妇人说:「你问它要不要洗澡好了。」侄儿对著狗,用最温柔的声音
    问道:「你想舒舒服服地洗个热水澡吗?」狗停崴下来,随即沿著马路跑去。「它很
    讨厌洗澡,是不是?」侄儿问那妇人。「才不,它喜欢的很,」妇人回答,「它是赶
    回家去洗澡呢!」

    ------------------------------------------------------------------------

    一对新婚夫妇倾倾我我地坐在沙滩看日落,太太随便抓起一把沙,不经意的对丈夫
    说:
    『真奇怪,无论我抓得多麽紧,它总是从手指缝漏去,最後就只剩下那麽一点点。』

    夫接口道:『宝贝儿,在这个美妙的时刻,还是不要提我那微薄的薪酬吧!』

    ------------------------------------------------------------------------

    富翁想徵聘一位司机,他问每个求职者能驶向悬崖多近而不至掉下去。『三十厘米
    ,』
    第一个说。『十五厘米』第二个说。『八厘米,』第三个说。但是下一个求职者说:
    『我会尽量不驶近那个地方,越远越好。』『我就雇用你,』富翁当即决定。

    ------------------------------------------------------------------------

    一个英国人,一个法国人,一个苏联人一同欣赏一副画伊甸园里亚当夏娃的画。「他
    们显然是英国人,」英国人说,「她只有一个苹果,却送了给他吃。」「不,」法国
    人说,「他们一起裸体吃水果,一定是法国人。」「他们是苏联人,」苏联人斩钉截
    铁的说,「他们没衣服穿,差不多没东西吃,却仍然以为自己在乐园里。」

    ------------------------------------------------------------------------

    一日,一架飞机飞过一个精神病医院…
    突见驾驶员大笑…
    空中小姐很好奇的问:「你为何笑得那麽开心啊??」
    只见他说:「他们知道我逃出来,一定会气疯的…哈哈哈……」

    ------------------------------------------------------------------------

    一个波兰人看到朋友穿了一双鳄鱼皮鞋,大为羡慕。一问之下,价钱昂贵非凡,他便
    决定自己去猎杀一只鳄鱼。
    他找到一个沼泽,跳下水去和一一只鳄鱼恶斗许久,好不容易才把鳄鱼拖上岸,却大
    叹一口气道:「浪费了那麽多时间,这只鳄鱼竟然没穿鞋。」

    ------------------------------------------------------------------------

    脾气古怪的老家伙布先生,理发时总是多般挑剔,所有的理发师都受过他的埋怨。有
    次理发,他坚持要把头发中间分界。「我办不到,」理发师说。「为什麽办不到?」
    布先生喊道。「因为您的头发是单数的。」

    ------------------------------------------------------------------------

    驾车游欧的女士站在希腊一处古迹的倒地石柱前拍纪念照。「千万别把汽车拍进去
    ,」
    她大声说,「不然我丈夫一定会说是我把柱子给撞倒的。」

    ------------------------------------------------------------------------

    男朋友

    问:为什麽在美国这麽难找到亲切体贴的男朋友?
    答:因为他们都有男朋友了

    ------------------------------------------------------------------------

    一位牧师来到即将被正法的犯人跟前说:我来告诉你一上帝的话。
    不用了,犯人嚷嚷道,再过一会儿我就亲自见到他老人家了。

    ------------------------------------------------------------------------

    偷儿到教堂做弥撒。牧师问:什么风把你吹来了?这星期你没偷火鸡吧?
    没有,一只也没有偷。
    其他鸡有没有偷?
    也没有。
    太好了,你已经接近上帝一步了。
    低声说:如果他问我偷鸭子没有,我就远离上帝了。

    ------------------------------------------------------------------------

    警察问一个即将被绞死的罪犯早餐想吃什么?
    对啦,我想起来了,我最爱吃桃子。罪犯说。
    你知道,现在是冬天,哪有桃子!警察说。
    没关系,我可以等。

    ------------------------------------------------------------------------

    一次某位诗人和一位将军同为宴会的上宾。女主人极力要向人们显示并炫耀她对诗的
    造诣有多深。她宣布说:我这位诗人朋友现在要为我作一首十四行诗,并当场朗诵。
    哦,不,这位诗人推辞说,还是让这位将军来发一枚大炮吧!

    ------------------------------------------------------------------------

    一位先生对别人说:我太太和我意见不和。她想要一件毛皮大衣,而我想要一部新
    车。
    最后我们互相妥协了,买一件毛皮大衣,然后把它收到车库里。

    ------------------------------------------------------------------------

    吉姆,在你家里谁是一家之主?珍妮掌管孩子,狗和鹦鹉。而我为金鱼制定法律。

    ------------------------------------------------------------------------

    一个老人和一个年轻漂亮的女郎坠入情网,但是这位老人无论如何不愿意娶她为妻。
    亲爱的,我不能娶你,他温柔地对她说,父亲和母亲会反对。
    什么!你已经这么大年纪了,父母还健在吗?
    不,不是,他纠正说:我的意思是指父亲的时机和母亲的天性。

    ------------------------------------------------------------------------

    我问一个年轻小伙子是否打算结婚,他对我说:我要一直保持单身生涯,一直等到我
    遇见和我祖父娶的一样的女孩。但是现在的女孩和从前可大不相同了。我警告他。当
    然是不同了,他说:祖父是昨天才和她结婚的,他们是在迪斯科舞会上认识的。

    ------------------------------------------------------------------------

    心理医生问病人:你是否听到一些声音,但却不知道谁在讲话,也不知道声音从哪里
    传来?
    是的。
    那是什么时候发生这种情形?
    我去接电话的时候。

    ------------------------------------------------------------------------

    妻子(对丈夫):今年圣诞节,让我们互赠美好的礼物,象领带啦,毛皮大衣啦……

    ------------------------------------------------------------------------

    丈夫(对心理医生):我妻子最近产生了自卑情绪,我要怎么做才能使她保持下去?

    ------------------------------------------------------------------------

    妻子(在脱掉一个孩子的最后一层冬衣后):乔治,他不是我们的孩子!

    ------------------------------------------------------------------------

    一栋公寓的一扇窗户上写着:转让小号
    而隔壁一家的窗户上写着:感谢上帝

    ------------------------------------------------------------------------

    爸爸

    一位孤苦无依的孕妇昏倒在一所医院门口,被医师救了进去,她即将临盆却又难产,
    医师帮她生下一个男婴而母亲不治死亡,临终前她恳求医师一定要帮她的小孩找到一
    户人家收养,医师想了一下终於点头答应了。
    同一个时间有一位神父因为肚子里长了一颗寻常狯到医院来割除,医师就骗他说他生
    了一个小孩,神父很高兴地说:真是上帝的赐与。便把小孩抱回去抚养;时间一过就
    是二十年,小婴孩终於长大成人,神父却一病不起,他自觉不久於人世,有一天就把
    那孩子叫到床前说:儿呀!我快要死了,有件事你一定要知道,其实我不是你真正的
    爸爸…我是你妈,你真正的爸爸就是隔壁教区的那个神父…

    ------------------------------------------------------------------------

    安全带

    空姐向乘客广播:“女士们,先生们,请扣好安全带。飞机马上就要起飞。”飞机起
    飞后,喇叭里又传来空姐的声音。“请将安全带扣紧一些。很抱歉,今天的早餐,我
    们忘记装上飞机了。”

    ------------------------------------------------------------------------

    证据

    律师质问交通警察:“一个人跪在马路中间就能证明他是喝醉酒了吗?”“当然不
    能,
    先生,”交通警察回答,“可是这位先生跪在马路中间要把涂在马路中央的那条白线
    卷起来。”

    ------------------------------------------------------------------------

    因人而异

    佛雷把刚买的高尔夫球用具拿给朋友看:“我和太太都胖了一点,医生说主要是运动
    量不足,为此我准备加入高尔夫俱乐部。”“那你太太呢?”“我已买了一部剪草机
    给她。”

    ------------------------------------------------------------------------

    猫价浮动

    在市场上,一位顾客问:“喂!这只猫多少钱?”
    “先生,100法郎。”
    “可昨天您只要20法郎。”
    “因为今天早晨它吃了我家一只价值80法郎的鹦鹉。”

    ------------------------------------------------------------------------

    味觉胜过记性

    玛丽安和韦伯是一对恩爱的老年夫妇。
    一天清晨,玛丽安对韦伯说:“亲爱的,我有点饿了,我想在床上吃些东西。”
    “你想吃什么呢?”丈夫面带笑容地问。
    “我想吃巧克力冰滇淋,”妻子说。
    “好吧,我这就去拿,”丈夫爽快地答应了。
    “等一下,韦伯,”妻子请求道,“你最好在巧克力上放一些奶油,你肯定记住了
    吗?
    要不然你就写在纸上吧。”
    “放心吧,我记住了,”丈夫肯定地说。
    韦伯刚起身下楼,又听到了玛丽安的大嗓门:“我还要两个红色的甜樱桃。”
    过了大约一刻钟光景,韦伯回到了卧室,把一个火腿三明治递给了玛丽安,她咬了一
    口,然后皱起眉头说道:“韦伯,你又忘了放芥末!”

    ------------------------------------------------------------------------

    让他为难

    弗林德夫人执意要请一位画家为她画一幅半身肖像。“画上的我要佩戴钻石项链、绿
    宝石手镯、纯金耳环和红宝石挂件。”她坚决地对画家说。“夫人,可您实际上并没
    有佩戴这些贵重的物品呀。”画家认真地说。“这你用不着管,”弗林德夫人说,
    “我这样做是有道理的,我平时身体不太好,我怕万一我死得比丈夫早,而他肯定很
    快就会另娶一个年轻貌美的女人为妻。有了这幅画,他就难以向新娘讲清这些贵重物
    品的去向了。”

    ------------------------------------------------------------------------

    重40磅

    一名妇女正在哭哭啼啼地向她的心理医生倾诉着内心的痛苦:“我丈夫去世前,我们
    在一起生活了25年。”她边说边抹去一行悲痛的眼泪。“我们之间从来没发生过一
    次争吵。”
    “是吗?这简直有些不可思议,”医生半信半疑地说。“你们是怎么做到这一点的
    呢, http://www.mlbjerseystore.com/ MLB All Star Jersey?”
    “瞧,我的体重要比他重40磅。而且,他又是一个生性懦弱的人。”

    ------------------------------------------------------------------------

    没有妻子的生活
    两个男人在谈论他们的妻子。
    杰克:“你是否想过没有她你会怎样生活?”
    马丁:“开销更少。”

    ------------------------------------------------------------------------

    验证

    詹金斯先生和他的妻子在吃早餐时,为家庭琐事互不相让而大吵起来。“你不会料理
    家务,也从不为别人着想。犴外,你在床上的表现也太差劲了!”丈夫气愤地奚落
    道。
    说完,他气乎乎地拿着公事包去上班了。中午,詹金斯先生有些后悔,觉得不该讲那
    些话来伤害妻子。于是,他拨通了家里的电话。可是铃声一直在响,却没有人接。就
    在詹金斯先生打算挂断电话时,他妻子才拎起了听筒。“你怎么这么长时间才接电
    话?”
    丈夫问。“我正在床上呢,”妻子懒洋洋地回答。“现在你在床上于什么?”丈夫接
    着又问。“我正在验证你早晨说的那一句话呢!”妻子回答。

    ------------------------------------------------------------------------

    去巴黎

    一家大航空公司的订票处接到了一位女士打来的问讯电话。“我想知道我丈夫霍普金
    斯先生是否买过飞往纽约的机票。”她急切地问道。“没错,霍普金斯先生买了去纽
    约的机票,20分钟之前,他还
    预订了两张飞往巴哈马群岛的机票。”接待小姐热情地答复。“巴哈马群岛!”女士
    提高了嗓门,“可他刚才来电话却说,纽约的事办完后他还要去新泽西州呆上两周
    呢。”
    停顿了一会儿,她说道:“我想订一张机票。”“飞往巴哈马群岛吗?”接待小姐
    问。
    “不,”女士说,“去巴黎。”

    ------------------------------------------------------------------------

    改变习惯

    吉米说他实在看不惯他妻子的有些行为。他真想让她彻底改变一种习惯――呼吸。

    ------------------------------------------------------------------------

    准备早餐

    “亲爱的,你只要再准备一下烤面包和咖啡,我们就可以吃早饭了,”新娘含情脉脉
    地对新郎说。
    “早饭都有点什么?”新郎问。“烤面包和咖啡。”

    ------------------------------------------------------------------------

    生搬硬套

    丈夫:你怎么搞的?这牛肉馅饼没有烧熟。
    妻子:可我是按照烹调书烧的呀,食谱上的做法是供四个人吃的,而我们只有两个
    人,
    所以我就减去了一半的料儿,当然啦,烧的时间也比书上讲的少了一半。

    ------------------------------------------------------------------------

    不可睡

    ?