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    ——(清)陈皋谟辑《笑倒》



    ⊙七月儿

    有怀孕七月即产一婴儿者,其夫恐养不大,遇人即问。一日,与友谈及此事,友曰
    :“这个无妨,我家祖亦是七个月出世的。”其人错愕问曰:“若是这等说,令祖
    后来毕竟养得大否?”

    ——(清)游戏主人辑《笑林广记卷五》



    『晒书』

    郝隆七月七日出、日中仰卧。人问其故,答曰∶“我晒书。”东坡谓晨饮为“浇书”。
    〖编者按〗美国人必皆饱学之士,夏日海滩为证也。


    □选自〔明〕冯梦龙《古今笑》



    『雪诗』

    唐人有张打油,作《雪》诗云∶“江上一笼统,井上黑窟窿。黄狗身上白,白狗身
    上肿。”

    陆诗伯《雪》诗云∶“大雪洋洋下,柴米都长价。板凳当柴烧,吓得床儿怕。”又
    云∶“玉皇大帝卖私盐,一个苏州拖面煎。”

    □选自〔明〕冯梦龙《古今笑》



    『竹诗』

    王祈有竹诗两句,最为得意,为东坡诵之,曰∶“叶垂千口剑,干耸万条枪。”苏
    笑曰∶“好则好矣,只是十条竹竿共一片叶也。”

    □选自〔明〕冯梦龙《古今笑》



    『鸣鹅』

    会稽有姥,养一鹅,善鸣。右军〔王羲之〕求市不得,遂携亲友就观。姥闻羲之至
    ,烹鹅以待。右军叹惜弥日。

    □选自〔明〕冯梦龙《古今笑》



    『刘伶』

    刘伶恒纵酒放达。或脱衣裸形在屋中,人见讥之。伶曰∶“我以天地为栋宇,屋室
    为裤衣。诸君何为入我裤中?”

    □选自〔明〕冯梦龙《古今笑》(河北人民出版社·一九八五年)



    『吝啬』

    沈峻欲赠张温。入内检视良久,出语温曰∶“欲择一端布送卿,而无粗者。”竟不
    送。

    □ 选自〔明〕冯梦龙《古今笑》



    『偷诗』

    杨衡初隐庐山,有盗其文而登第者。衡后亦登第,见其人,问曰∶“‘一一鹤声飞
    上天’在否?”答曰∶“此句知兄最惜,不敢偷。”衡曰∶“犹可恕也!”

    □ 选自〔明〕冯梦龙《古今笑》



    『放生』

    北使李谐至梁。武帝与之游历,偶至放生处。帝曰∶“彼国亦放生否?”谐曰∶“
    不取,亦不放。”帝惭之。

    □ 选自〔明〕冯梦龙《古今笑》



    『伊籍』

    先主〔刘备〕以伊籍使吴。孙权闻其才辩,欲逆折以辞。籍适入拜,权曰∶“劳事
    无道之君乎?”对曰∶“一拜一起,未足为劳。”

    □ 选自〔明〕冯梦龙《古今笑》



    『东方朔』

    武帝时,有献不死之酒者,东方朔窃饮之。帝怒,欲杀朔。朔曰∶“臣所饮,不死
    之酒也。杀臣,臣亦不死;臣死,酒亦不验。”

    □ 选自〔明〕冯梦龙《古今笑》



    『苏轼《洗儿诗》』

    东坡频年谪居,尝作 《洗儿诗》,曰∶

    人皆养子望聪明,我被聪明误一生。
    惟愿孩儿愚且鲁,无灾无难到公卿。

    □ 选自〔明〕冯梦龙《古今笑》(河北人民出版社·一九八五)



    不洗脚

    南北朝时梁朝将领阴子春,常常几年不洗脚。
    他还满有道理:“洗辄失财败事。”他的夫
    人憎恶极了。有一回实在忍不住,“劝令一
    洗”。偏偏不久他在梁州之役中吃了败仗,
    谓“洗脚所致。”大恨妇,遂终生不洗。

    章迪摘自[读者文摘94.4]



    和尚煮虾

    有个和尚偷偷地买来虾子煮了吃。他看见虾
    在锅里乱跳,于是连忙双手合十,低声对虾
    说:“阿弥陀佛,忍耐些忍耐些,一会儿焙
    熟了,就不痛了。”

    章迪摘自[读者文摘94.4]



    刘大请客

    刘大不善说话,常得罪人。他五十岁生日那天,特地邀请了张三、李四、王五和赵
    六聚会。

    快开饭了,赵六还没到。刘大懊恼地说:『该来的不来。』张三听了,心想:我可

    是不该来的,于是就走了。

    刘大一看张三走了,着急的说:『哎,不该走的又走了。』李四听了这话,很不是
    滋味,心想:看来我是该走的。于是,也立即走了。

    刘大见李四也走了,摇了摇头对王五说:『我又不是讲他。』王五想:你不是讲他
    ,那一定是讲我了。于是也起身走了。

    刘大呆呆地望着一桌酒菜,心里纳闷:『我说什么了,怎么都走了?』



    陛下就是我佛

    唐朝皇帝姓李,听说道教始祖老子也姓李,便想把道教放在佛教之上。

    有个叫法静的和尚,去见皇帝说:『从古到今佛教唯大,而且佛法无边,我佛如来
    灵验。今陛下以一姓之私抬高道教,恐怕天下不服!』

    皇帝勃然大怒,将法静定为死罪,押监入狱,并说:『你开口佛法无边,闭口我佛
    如来,我给你七天时间去念佛,临刑时看佛救不救你,灵验不灵验!』

    法静入狱第一天,皇帝派人去看他是否在念如来。回报的人说法静闭目静坐,口中
    念念有声,就是听不大清。以后接连去看,天天如是。

    到了第七天要拉出去问斩。皇帝问法静:『你的佛念的怎么样了?』法静笑道:『
    七天来我没念佛,天天在念皇帝陛下。』
    皇帝感到奇怪,问他为什么。法静道:『陛下就是我佛如来,我佛如来就是陛下!


    皇帝听了,顿时异常高兴:『嗯,如来就是朕,朕就是如来。好,赦你无罪!』


    摘自《中国古代笑话—笑画连篇》,中国连环画出版社。
    张双翼



    喜欢老虎

    从前,有个老和尚一心想培养一个虔诚的小和尚。便抱了一个婴儿抚养,从小教他
    吃斋念佛,不让他接触尘世,以免受到世俗的影响。

    小和尚这年十六岁了,能背诵各种佛经,老和尚自以为培养了一个虔诚的弟子,十
    分高兴。

    这一天,镇上有户人家做佛事,老和尚想锻炼一下小和尚,便带着他下山到镇上去


    小和尚从没下过山,从没见过这么多人,更没见过这么热闹的市场,简直有点眼花
    缭乱。忽然小和尚停住了脚步,两眼直盯盯的看着一位姑娘。

    老和尚忙念到:『阿弥陀佛!』拉了一下小和尚。小和尚指着姑娘问:『这是什么
    ?』老和尚骗他说:『是老虎。』

    回山的路上,他们看到了一只真老虎,小和尚又问:『这是什么?』老和尚说:『
    是姑娘。』

    回到庙里,老和尚为了试试小和尚是否真的脱了凡心,就问小和尚:『你今天下了
    一次山,告诉我,你最喜欢什么?』小和尚说:『喜欢「老虎」。』

    摘自《中国古代笑话—笑画连篇》,中国连环画出版社。
    张双翼



    屁文章

    一秀才数尽,去见阎王,阎王偶放一屁,秀才即献屁颂一篇曰:“高耸金臀,弘宣
    宝气,依稀乎丝竹之音,仿弗乎麝兰之味,臣立下风,不胜芯馨之至。”阎王大喜
    ,增寿十年,即时放回阳间。十年限满,再见阎王。此秀才志气舒展,望森罗殿摇
    摆而上,阎王问是何人,小鬼回曰:“就是那个做屁文章的秀才。”



    父母何物

      某公任一县童子试卷监阅。卷题取四书上一句“父母在”。内有一卷,破题为
    :“夫父母,何物也?”公大笑,批文其上:“父,阳物也;母,阴物也;阴阳不
    和生你这怪物也。”


    尚书与恃郎

    有尚书与恃郎共主一部,二人素不睦。某日,尚书见一匹狗窜入大堂,乃佯问恃郎
    :“是狼,是狗?”恃郎洞悉尚书用心,乃徐徐答道:“夫狼与狗之区别在于尾:
    上竖为狗,下垂为狼。”


    死错了人
    一个人的亲家母死了,他托一秀才写一篇祭文。秀才从一本 文集中抄了一篇给他,
    他一看,却是一篇祭亲家翁的文章,就对 秀才说:“错了。”秀才说:“怎么会错呢,
    这篇文章是从书上 抄下来的,一字不错,是不是他家死错了人?”


    玫瑰酥糖

    一个人在苏州买了一包酥糖,拆开一数只有五块。他心里想怎么少 了四块,不知道什
    么原因。向店家一问,才知道自己把“玫瑰酥糖”读 作了“玖块酥糖”。

     

    翻来倒去

    书生的母亲死了。有人送来一个奠幛,还有四张纸,上边写着四个大字:"德 配孟母",
    让他自己缝上。书生翻来倒去看不懂,最后排成了"母配孟德",缝在 奠幛上。


    有一个参加科举考试,发榜之日,他叫弟弟去看看
    中了没有;弟弟到那儿一看,榜上有哥哥的名字.便一
    直站在榜下,两眼死死盯着哥哥的大名.到天黑也不离开.
    哥哥觉得奇怪,便来找他.只见他仍然仰着脸儿盯着
    那个名字.哥哥问他为什么要这样,他说:"天下同名同姓
    的人多着呢!要是我一走,别人把你的名字顶了去,那怎么 办?"


    一老儒生,晚年得子,给孩子取名?年纪".第二年
    又得一子,老儒生认为这孩子很像读 ,就取名为"学问".
    以后,又再得一子,他自己也觉得好笑;年纪这么大了,还
    连得三子,真是笑话!于是就用"笑话"来给三儿命名.
    三个儿子长大后,都不怎么长进, http://www.csnspurs.com/ Tim Duncan swingman Jersey.有一次他们三个上
    山砍柴,回家时,老儒生问老婆 ,哪一个砍得最,老婆答道:"
    年纪有了一把,学问一些也无,笑话倒有一担!"

  • ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
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    日期:2005-9-10 来源:互联网 编辑:风冷长河




      中秋节独自踯躅在异乡的街头,想起远在他方的女友。拿起手机写了一个长达二百余字情深款款的短消息,写到二百一十四个字时来了个电话把短消息冲掉了……
      ——在街头痛哭。

      给网友MM发一短消息祝节日快乐,片刻回信,兴致勃勃拿起一看:“你谁呀?”
      ——黯然神伤。

      做绝句一首发给老友祝节日快乐,片刻回信——老友把短消息几乎原封不动发回来了,结尾加了一句“也祝你快乐”
      ——仰天长啸。

      给旧日情人发短消息祝节日快乐,发一遍不成功,再发还不成功,再发再发再发……都不成功。仔细一看对方号码是座机……
      ——悲从中来。

      兴致勃勃给老友发短消息祝节日快乐,片刻回信——“你欠我的五百块钱什么时候还?”
      ——以头抢地。

      痴痴地等女友短信传情,听到手机滴答一响,赶紧抓起一看——“中国电信祝您节日快乐”
      ——泪如雨下, http://www.baltimoreravenstore.com/ Ravens Flacco Jersey。

      给老友发短消息祝节日快乐,片刻回信——“哥几个在丽天吃花酒没带够钱让人扣下了,你带上钱快来!”
      ——痛不欲生。

      给老总发短消息祝节日快乐,片刻回信,心想老总真客气,打开一看——“今晚公司没人值班太不安全,要不你就辛苦一下吧!”
      ——欲哭无泪。

    辛辛苦苦,发了一满屏,大家读来读去,满目芜草。
      ——老生常谈。



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  • Common sense day time is here with regard to Craig Provides, Roger Clemens as well as Sammy Sosa to discover their own Corridor associated with Popularity fates.

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