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일상다반사(자유글)

나를 철들게 한 나의 할머니

 

나를 철들게 한 나의 할머니 교통사고로 아버지를 잃고 어머니마저 아버지가 남기신 빚을 갚기 위해 서울로 떠나신 후, 다섯 살이던 저와 세 살이던 남동생은 시골에 계시던 할머니 손에 맡겨졌습니다. 사람이라면 누구나 가장 먼저 기억나는 어린 시절이 있겠지요. 제가 기억할 수 있는 가장 어린 시절은 할머니 손에 맡겨지고 1년이 지난, 여섯 살의 봄입니다. 불행히도 제가 기억하고 있는 가장 어린 시절은, 지금까지도 제 가슴 속에 아픈 추억으로 자리하고 있습니다. 그날, 도시 생활을 하고 있던 친척들이 저와 제 동생 문제로 할머니 댁을 찾았습니다. 너무 어렸기 때문에 정확히 기억할 수는 없지만, 할머니와 친척들 간에 언성을 높이는 이야기가 오갔습니다. 할머니는 계속해서 안 된다는 말씀만 반복하셨고, 친척들은 사는 게 힘들어서 도와 줄 수 없다는 말만 거듭 했습니다. 큰아버지는 저와 제 동생에게 새 옷을 입혀 주고, 새 신을 신겨 주며, 좋은 곳에 가게 되었다고 말했습니다. 울먹이시던 할머니의 만류에도 불구하고 큰아버지는 저희 남매 손을 이끌고 문밖을 나섰습니다. 친척들 누구하나 따라 나오는 사람이 없었지만, 할머니는 다르셨습니다. 버선발로 뛰쳐나와 저희 남매를 끌어안고 우셨습니다. “안 된다. 절대 못 보낸다. 고아원에도, 아들 없는 집에도, 나는 못 보낸다. 죽은 내 아들 불쌍해서 이것들 못 보낸다. 니들 헌티 10원 한 푼 도와 달라구 안 헐라니까 보내지 마라. 그냥 내가 키우게 놔둬라.” 할머니는 그렇게 말씀하시며 목 놓아 우셨습니다. 그날 할머니가 아니었다면 지금의 저도, 제 남동생도 없었겠지요. 할머니의 눈물이 지금의 저희 남매를 있게 해 준 것입니다. 고아원에 가지 않은 것만으로도, 아들 없는 집에 보내지지 않은 것만으로도, 저희 남매는 할머니께 평생 갚아도 다 갚지 못할 은혜를 입은 것인데 그게 얼마나 큰 은혜였는지 그때는 몰랐습니다. 철이 들 무렵이 되어서야 그것을 알았습니다. 할머니는 친척들께 약속하신 대로 10원 한 푼 받지 않고 저희 남매를 기르셨습니다. 하루도 거르지 않고 남의 집으로 일을 다니시며, 받아오신 품삯으로 생활을 꾸려가셨습니다. 할머니가 저희 남매를 키우기 위해 얼마나 고생을 하셔야 했는지, 스스로 얼마나 억척스러워지셔야 했는지, 그때는 너무 어려서 몰랐습니다. 그저 배부르게 먹지 못하는 것이 불만이었고, 새 옷 한 벌 없이 남의 옷만 얻어 입는 것이 불만이었고, 다른 아이들처럼 학용품을 넉넉하게 쓰지 못하는 것이 불만이었고, 마음 놓고 과자 한번 사 먹을 수 없는 것이 불만이었고, 소풍에 돈 한 푼 가져갈 수 없는 것이 불만이었고, 운동회 때 할머니랑 함께 달리는 것이 불만이었고, 할머니 밑에서 자란다는 이유만으로 동네에서나 학교에서나 불쌍한 아이 취급받는 것이 불만이었습니다. 배부르게 먹이지 못하는 할머니 마음이 얼마나 아팠을지, 새 옷 한 벌 사주지 못하는 할머니 마음이 얼마나 아렸을지, 남의 집으로 옷을 얻으러 다니며 할머니가 얼마나 고개를 숙이셨을지, 넉넉하게 학용품을 사 주지 못하는 할머니 마음이 어땠을지, 소풍간다고 김밥 한번 싸주지 못하고 용돈 한 푼 주지 못하는 그 마음이 어땠을지, 다른 아이들은 운동회 때 엄마와 함께 하는 것을 나이 드신 당신 몸으로 해 주시느라 얼마나 진땀을 빼셨을지, 어디서나 애비 에미 없다고 손가락질 받는 손자들을 보며 얼마나 가슴을 쓸어 내리셨을지, 그때는 철이 없어서 몰랐습니다. 그저 어디서나, 누구에게나, 조금이라도 더 불쌍하게 보여서 뭐 하나 얻으려고 애쓰는 할머니의 모습이 싫고 창피할 뿐이었습니다. 할머니는 저희 남매를 위해 자신을 포기하고 사셨습니다. 당신의 체면이나 얼굴을 모두 버리시고, 오로지 저희 남매를 위해 사셨습니다. 앉았다 하면 신세 한탄이 먼저 나오고, 불쌍한 손자들 얘기를 풀어 놓으며 눈물을 훔치시기 바빴지만, 할머니가 그렇게 사셨기 때문에 과자 한 봉지라도 얻어먹을 수 있었고, 이발소에서 공짜로 머리를 자를 수도 있었고, 새 연필 한 자루라도 얻어 쓸 수 있었습니다. 할머니는 그렇게 철없는 남매를 기르시면서 한없는 사랑을 베풀어 주셨습니다. 누구보다 억척스럽고 강하셨지만, 또 누구보다 여리고 사랑이 넘치는 분이셨습니다. 남의 집으로 일을 가시는 날에는 새참으로 나온 빵을 드시지 않고 집으로 가져오시는 분이셨고, 1주일에 한번 장으로 나물을 팔러 가시는 날에는 순대를 한 봉지씩 사다주시는 분이셨습니다 동생과 제가 싸우면 뒤란에 있던 탱자나무 가지로 심하게 종아리를 치셨지만, 붉은 줄이 그어진 종아리에 약을 발라주시며 금세 눈물을 훔치시는 분이셨고, 맛있는 과자를 마음껏 못 사줘 미안하다며 문주를 부쳐주시고, 개떡을 쪄주시고, 가마솥 누룽지에 설탕을 발라주시는 분이셨고, 비가 아주 많이 오는 날에는 우산 대신 고추밭 씌우는 비닐로 온 몸을 둘러주시고 빨래집게로 여기저기 집어주시며, 학교에 가서 다른 아이들이 너는 우산도 없느냐고 놀리거든, “우리 할머니가 이렇게 돌돌 싸매면 비가 한 방울도 못 들어와서 옷이 안 젖는다더라. 너도 니네 엄마한테 나처럼 해달라고 해봐.” 그렇게 말하라고 시키시던 분이셨습니다. 비록 가난해서 봄이면 나물을 뜯어다 장에 내 팔고, 여름이면 고기를 잡아다 어죽 집에 팔고, 가을이면 도토리를 따다 묵 집에 팔고, 겨울에는 손에 마늘 독이 베이도록 마늘을 까서 돈을 벌어야 했지만, 그래도 지금 생각해보면 할머니와 함께 했던 유년의 그 시간들이 스물아홉 제 인생에서 가장 행복했습니다. 그때는 그게 행복이라는 걸 몰라서 할머니 가슴을 많이도 아프게 했지요. 저는 가난이 싫었습니다. 억척스러운 할머니가 싫었습니다. 그래서 반항적이었고, 사춘기에 접어들면서는 제 욕구를 채워주지 못하고 제 마음을 조금도 이해해 주지 않는 할머니가 미워서 버릇없이 굴기도 했습니다. 할머니가 부끄럽다는 생각은 했으면서도, 고생하시는 할머니가 불쌍하거나 안쓰럽다고 생각해 본적은 한번도 없었습니다. 할머니를 생각하며 몰래 눈물을 훔쳐본 적도 없었습니다. 그때는 정말 몰랐습니다. 할머니가 제 욕구를 충족시켜주고 싶지 않았던 것이 아니라, 사춘기의 저를 이해 못했던 것이 아니라, 현실이 그럴 수밖에 없었다는 것을, 우리 남매가 아니었다면 혼자 편하게 사셨을 할머니가 손자들을 떠맡은 죄로 불쌍하게 사실 수밖에 없었다는 것을, 철이 들 무렵에야 알았습니다. 저와 남동생은 시골에서 중학교를 마치고 각각 천안에 있는 상고와 예산에 있는 인문고등학교에 진학해 자취 생활을 했습니다. 저희 남매는 주말마다 할머니가 계시는 집으로 내려갔는데, 그때마다 냉장고를 열어보면 그 안에 빵과 우유가 가득했습니다. 남의 집으로 일을 다니셨던 할머니가 새참으로 나온 빵과 우유를 드시지 않고 집으로 가져오셔서 냉장고에 넣어놓으신 거였습니다. 남들 다 새참 먹을 때 같이 드시지 왜 이걸 냉장고에 넣어 놓으셨냐고, 유통기한 다 지나서 먹지도 못하는 데 왜 그러셨냐고 화를 내면, ˝니덜이 목구멍에 걸려서 넘어가야 말이지. 니덜 오먼 줄라고 냉장고에다 느 놨는디, 날짜 지나서 못 먹으먼 워쩐다냐.” 그렇게 말씀하셨습니다. 한번도 할머니를 가엾다고, 안쓰럽다고 생각하지 못했던 제가, 냉장고에 가득하던 빵과 우유를 내다 버리면서 하염없이 눈물을 쏟았습니다. 가슴 저 밑바닥에서 뜨거운 것이 올라오는데, 할머니가 그렇게 불쌍해 보일 수가 없었습니다. 아마도 그때가 제가 철이 들 무렵이었던 것 같습니다. 한번은 자취하는 제게 김치와 쌀을 갖다 주시겠다고 올라오신 할머니를 만나기 위해 터미널에 나간 적이 있었습니다. 한참을 두리번거린 후에 찾아낸 할머니는 반갑게 제 손을 잡으시며 “아침 7시 차 타구 나왔더만, 10시두 안 돼 도착허더라. 한 3시간은 이러구 서 있은 모양이여. 기다리다 배고파서 나 먼저 짜장면 한 그릇 먹었다. 이?” 라고 말씀하셨습니다. 저는 또다시 가슴 한 구석이 아렸고, 그러면 안 된다는 걸 알면서도 할머니께 화를 냈습니다. “그러게 내가 아침 드시고 천천히 출발하시라고 안 했어! 할머니 때문에 속상해 죽겄네.” 할머니는 화가 난 손녀딸의 눈치를 살피시며 들고 오신 가방 지퍼를 여셨습니다. 할머니가 들고 오신 큰 가방 속에는 김치 통 두 개가 들어있었고, 가방 안은 김치 통에서 흘러나온 빨간 김치 국물로 한 가득이었습니다. “내가 할머니 때문에 미치겠네. 김치만 비닐봉지에 꼭 싸서 가져오셔야지, 가방에다 김치 통을 통째로 넣어오면 국물이 안 넘친데?” 할머니는 금세 얼굴이 붉어지셨습니다. “이를 워쩌까. 국물이 다 새서 못 들고 가겠다. 내가 언능 수퍼 가서 봉다리 얻어올팅께 지달려라, 이?” 할머니는 터미널 안 슈퍼에서 검은 비닐봉지를 얻어 오셨습니다. 그리고 김치 통을 봉지 안에 넣어주시며 말씀하셨습니다. “가시네덜이 지덜언 짐치 안 먹구 사나, 노인네가 버스 안에서 김치 냄새 좀 풍겼기로서니, 그렇기 코를 막구 무안을 줘?” 할머니의 그 말을 듣는 순간, 차 안에서 다른 사람들의 눈치를 받으며 안절부절 하셨을 할머니 모습이 떠올랐습니다. 가슴이 미어졌습니다. 할머니는 김치 전해 줬으니 그만 가 봐야겠다시며 들고 오신 가방 안쪽 작은 지퍼를 열고 꼬깃꼬깃 접은 1만 원 짜리 두 장을 제 손에 쥐어 주셨습니다. 할머니께서 건네주신 1만 원 짜리는 빨갛게 물들어서 김치 국물이 뚝뚝 떨어지고 있었습니다. 할머니 앞에서 울고 싶지 않았던 저는 얼른 매표소로 뛰어가 할머니 차표를 끊어다 드리고 할머니를 배웅해 드렸습니다. 그날 자취방으로 돌아오는 시내버스 안에서 얼마나 소리 내어 울었는지 모릅니다. 할머니가 젖은 가방에서 꺼내 주셨던, 빨간 김치 국물이 뚝뚝 떨어지던 1만 원 짜리 두 장을 손에 꼭 쥐고, 사람들이 가득한 버스 안에서 그렇게 한참을 울었습니다. 고등학교 졸업 후 무역회사에 취직한 저는 돈을 벌게 되었고, 이제 할머니를 호강시켜 드릴 수 있다는 생각에 가슴이 벅찼습니다. 할머니가 아프시다고 하면 약재시장에 가서 좋다는 약재를 사다 보내 드리고, 할머니 생신이 다가오면 동네 할머니들과 식사라도 하시라고 용돈도 보내 드리고, 주말에 시골에 내려가면 할머니와 장으로 구경도 나가고, 명절에는 할머니를 모시고 레스토랑에 가서 돈가스도 사 드렸습니다. 처음 할머니를 모시고 레스토랑에 가서 돈가스를 먹던 날, 할머니는 돈가스 한 접시에 음료로 나온 사이다 한잔까지 쭉 비우신 뒤 말씀하셨습니다. “양두 얼마 안 되는 것이 참말로 맛나다, 이? 이런 것이면 몇 접시라두 먹겠다.” 저는 할머니의 그 말에 또 다시 눈물이 났습니다. 그까짓 돈가스가 얼마나 한다고 이제서야 사드리게 됐을까. 가슴이 아파서 고개도 들지 못하고 제가 먹던 접시를 할머니 앞에 내어 드렸습니다. 그날 하얗게 서리 내린 할머니 머리를 내려다보면서 마음속으로 다짐했습니다. 앞으로는 맛있는 것은 무엇이든 사 드리리라. 남들 먹는 거, 맛있다고 하는 거, 한번씩은 다 맛보여 드리리라. 좋은 옷도 입혀 드리고 멋진 구경도 맘껏 시켜 드리리라. 언젠가 할머니는 말씀하셨습니다. “우리 손녀딸 좋은 사람 만나 시집가고, 이쁜 새끼 낳아 사는 거 보고 죽으먼 내가 소원이 없을 것인디.” 저는 할머니의 소원대로 좋은 사람을 만나 결혼을 했고, 다음 달이면 돌을 맞는 예쁜 딸아이도 낳았습니다. 할머니는 올해로 팔순이 되셨습니다. 그렇게 억척스럽게 우리 남매를 길러 내셨던 할머니는 이제 정말 할머니가 되셨습니다. 허리도 구부러지셨고, 검은머리가 한 가닥도 남아 있지 않습니다. 너무 늙으셔서 예전처럼 맛있는 문주를 부쳐 주시지도 못하고, 개떡을 쪄 주지도 못하고, 누룽지에 설탕을 뿌려 주시지도 못합니다. 뜨거운 밥에 올려 먹던 할머니의 얼짠지가 그렇게 맛있었는데, 이제는 그때 그 맛을 내시지도 못합니다. 같이 봄나물을 뜯으러 다닐 수도, 도토리를 따러 다닐 수도 없습니다. 그래서 가슴이 아프고 할머니를 생각하면 자꾸만 눈물이 납니다. 할머니 하면, 낡고 닳아 헤진 고무신 한 짝이 떠오릅니다. 헌 고무신처럼 평생을 마음껏 가지지 못하고 지지리 고생만 하시며 살아오신 할머니, 이제 할머니가 제 곁에 함께하실 시간이 얼마 남지 않았음을 느낍니다. 언제일지 모를 그날까지 제가 할머니의 은혜를 다 갚을 수 있을까요? 꽃으로 태어났으나 들풀로 사셔야 했던 그분의 인생, 이제부터라도 화사한 꽃으로 사셨으면 좋겠습니다. 가난은 부끄러운 것이 아니라 조금 불편한 것일 뿐이라는 걸 가르쳐 주신 할머니! 이제 저는 할머니의 사랑과 고생을 모두 이해할 수 있을 만큼 철이 들었습니다. 눈부시게 화창한 봄날, 우리 할머니 손을 잡고 꽃길을 걸어 보고 싶습니다. 오래 전 눈물나게 아름다웠던 유년의 풍경들을 떠올리며 웃어 보고 싶습니다. 올 봄에도 꽃은 피겠지요? 그날을 손꼽아 기다리며 편지를 마치겠습니다. 두 분 안녕히 계세요. -이글은 MBC라디오 여성시대에서- 글이 너무 길었지요, , ^^ 책 한 권 읽었다 생각하세요~^^ 행복한 하루 되세요.~~~~^^

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    问:请问你的室友小陈怎么受的伤?
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    吵架
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    是氢,氧,碳三种元素的结合,难道你这肉氢和氧结合得太多了?照理说肉是脂
    肪,不是汽油煤油这些烃一类物质,怎麽这麽快就挥发了250克呢?"
    杀猪匠眼睛一鼓:"老子是巷道里赶猪,直来直去.你绿蚊子吃屎,瞎嗡些啥
    呀?"
    政治老师清清嗓子:"根据唯物主义原理,存在决定意识.你少我们五两秤,
    这叫`存在`;所以我们心里有想法,这叫`意识`.你不少秤我们不会找你理论,
    找你理论就是因为你少了秤,这属于因果关系主次关系.又根据一分为二原理,
    你少秤是不讲精神文明道德的,是极其错误的个人主义;我们及时给你提出宝贵
    意见,帮助你改正错误,坏事又会变成好事,这叫转化.犯错误不要紧,只要改了
    就好了......"
    杀猪匠冒了火:"鸭子会说是个瘪嘴壳!你说老子少了你五两秤,谁做证明?"
    语文老师潇潇洒洒一甩头发:"我!你是树上的黄叶,我是冷峻的秋风;你是
    脸上的污点,我是明亮的镜子;你是偷偷摸摸的老鼠,我是紧紧跟踪的摄像机.
    神圣而庄严的道德法庭,不需要程式化平庸化的证明,良心就是最公正最伟大
    的法官.啊!顾客是上帝,顾客是......"
    杀猪匠抄起刀子,一把抓住语文老师的脖子:"狗屎不肥田,讨死万人嫌!
    你敢骂老子,老子今天下你龟儿的零件!"
    数学老师吓得脸发白:"唉呀呀,不要正电负电一撞就触电.五两肉算个啥
    嘛,五七三块五,还看不到一场电影,还洗不到一次头发,还买不到一副感冒药.
    你杀猪,我们教书,都是为人民服务,莫为这可怜兮兮的三块五角钱伤了革命
    同志之间的深厚感情.你是正数,我们是负数,大家都是有理数,千万不要做无
    理的事."
    杀猪匠把语文老师一下搡在地上:"滚你妈的,看你舌头狠还是老子拳头
    狠!"英语老师大声说:"OH! I LOVE YOU! PIG! THIEF!......"扶起语文老师
    喊大家走.走到半路说:"我用英语骂了他.知识就是力量,他懂个啥!"

    在读高中的时候,有一次在课堂上老师讲得聚精会神,而下面却有一个
    学生睡着了,这时旁边有个同学拍了拍他的头:"喂,醒一醒,老师提问你呢!"
    这位同学立马站起来,对着老师问道:"老师,什么?"

    还有一次一位同学睡着了,本来也没有什么的,但有一位同学和他过意不去,
    帮他打起了呼噜,于是睡觉的同学就被抓了.



    高三的时候,大家都开夜车搞到深夜,有一天早上早读英语的时候,有一位
    同学睡着了,大家也不忍心叫想他,头一节课是语文课,老师讲课发现他还在
    睡觉,就叫旁边的同学叫醒他.同学叫道:"醒一醒,老师来了".这位同学醒来
    以后,抓起一本书就高声朗读了起来:"Long long ago......"

     

    一学生问老师,粪字如何写,老师一时也忘了,只好说:
    “就在嘴边,怎么就出不来了呢?”

    在读高中的时候,班上有位同学特别讨厌一位女老师,每次对着学校里面的那条母狗
    说:"X老师好",我们几个好朋友都习以为常了.
    有一天,我们几个朋友又在一走玩,又听见那个同学说了一句:"X老师好",我看也不

    就大叫一声:"母狗在哪儿?"

    国文课时,老师教我们尽孝,向父母嘘寒问暖,问他们一天工作顺不顺利、累不累等
    问题。
    第二天老师要同学报告父母的反应。一位同学说:「我的父母说:『你缺多少钱,就
    说吧!』」
    另一位同学说:「我才倒霉呢!我父母问我:『是不是今天发成绩单了?』」

    某学校进行模拟政治考试,试卷上有一
    道填充题:江泽民总书记要求党员领导干部要讲()()。回答这道
    题时,有许多学生填的是「廉政」两个字。在讲解试卷时,老师说:
    「填『廉政』两个字的同学都错了。」有学生问:「总书记不要求领
    导干部讲廉政,还能要求他们讲什麽?」老师回答:「总书记只要求
    领导干部『讲政治』,没要求他们『讲廉政』。」

    读小学四年级的弟弟胖得实在不像话,大家常常取笑他。
    一天,老师要他们一班同学开始在联络簿上记下「每天帮家里做的事」,
    弟弟怎麽也想不出来,最後只好由妈妈代为填写。她在联络簿上
    写了:「每天帮家里吃饭。」
    老师的评语是:「看得出来,你很努力!」

    老A是鄙人的室友,毕业前已签定工作单位的合同,但又报名考研.可整天乃闲逛
    居多,考试临近,也不抱佛脚了.今年考研有道题为:对李登辉的独台和搞两个中国有什
    糁看法?(大概意思)老A不加思索,挥笔而就:不象话,太不象话了!!!

     

    在某个公社, 正在批斗一位教师, 突然上来一位
    女人, 大家认识正是这位教师的妻子, 她和革委会的头的
    不正当关系早已不是什么秘密, 只听她指控道, " ..., 他
    长期反对毛主席, 反对党, 而且, 把我当成他的私有财产
    ..", 大家一听就知道这出于那位头的授意, 想为教师说
    句话苦于没有什么合适的借口.
    只见有位学生跳上台来, "在社会主义的中国, 怎么
    能允许这种事情发生呢?! 你一定老老实实坦白, 老老实实
    改造, 怎么能把你妻子当成你的私有财产呢!?",
    一定要把她当成公有财产!

     

    喝酒与读书

    “瞧你愁眉苦脸的,什么事呀?”“写篇文章,题目是《昨 天我干了些啥》。”“那
    好说,你昨天干了些啥呀?”“喝酒呗。 ”“你多傻呀,我告诉你吧,你写下去,凡
    是出现了‘喝酒的字 眼,你就把它改成‘读书’不就成了么?”张文受到了启发,笔
    下来了神:“我一早就起来读了半天书,我想了想,又把后半本 也一口气读完了,可
    是我觉得还不够,于是又到店里去买了一本。 回来时在路上迎面遇着李大,一瞧他的
    眼睛,知道他也读得差不 多了。”

    将来时语法

    “爱”的将来时语法课上, 老师正在讲授动词的时态。他问爱琳:“你说说,‘爱’
    的将 来是是什么?”爱琳毫不迟疑地问答:“结婚!”

     

    500只鸭子

    一个男教师在教室上课,而对乱哄哄的课堂,他气恼地 说:“两个女人发出的嘈杂声
    就等于10000只鸭子发出的声音。 ”一天,男教师的妻子来学校找他,女学生报告
    说:“老师, 外面有5000只鸭子找您!”

     

    消除不和

    某学校开展了一个家庭问题讨论课。在一个教室里,教师问学生: “你们认为要消除
    家长与学生不和的现象,最好的办法是什么?” 一个同学大胆地站起来,对老师说:
    “最好的办法是:您在我的 学习成绩单上全填上5分。”

    "只有我没笑"

    老师常在课堂上教育大家说,当看到别的缺陷和不幸时,千万不要嘲笑.一 天,小布
    朗对老师说:"今天校园里有一个孩子掉进水坑里,大家都大笑,只有我没有笑.
    ""你做得对."老师表扬道,"是谁掉进了水坑里呢?""是我. "布朗回答.

    选择的标准

    科恩是医学院的学生,他想学心脏外科,又拿不定主意,于是去请教奥本教授.奥本
    教授问他:"小伙子,你想过富裕的生活吗?""当 然.那你应当学牙科."为什么
    呢?"你想想,人的心脏只有一个,而 牙齿却有32颗."

     

    牛皮的作用

    常识课老师问汤姆:"你知道牛皮有什么作用吗?"汤姆搔了搔 后脑勺, http://www.nbabgstore.com/ Spurs Parker Authentic Jersey,说"不知
    道".我知道,"他的同桌高举着手说,"是用来 把牛肉包在一起的."

    借成绩单

    老师问吉米:"你为什么要把成绩单借给约翰呢?"不,不是我故 意的."吉米讷讷
    地回答,"他说,想吓唬一下自己的父母."那结果 呢?"老师又问.结果---"
    吉米回答,"约翰的屁股肿了."

    男人的想法

    某大学农学专业的高材生密勒,暑假回到家乡,邻居的一位太太想养 鸡致富,便来请
    教他密勒根据那位太太提供的鸡舍,鸡食等各种数据,告 诉她养30只左右母鸡和一
    两只公鸡较为合适。暑假结束时,密勒想去看 看自己的"设想"被实施得如何.但他
    在鸡舍前看呆了。里边除了30只 母鸡外,还有30只大公鸡。"太太,养30只母
    鸡,只要一两只公鸡就 够了。公鸡太多,又不能下蛋,反而浪费粮食。""你是说,
    让一两只公 鸡占有那么多母鸡?"邻居太太涨红着脸说。"是的。""这只是你们男
    人的想法,我不干!"

    活学活用

    美国一所法律学校,有一天考刑法。教授向学生提出的第一个问题是: "什么叫诈骗
    罪?"一个学生回答说:"如果您不让我考试及格则犯诈骗 罪。"教授非常诧异:"
    怎么解释?哪个学生能解答这个问题。"一个学 生说:"根据刑法,凡利用他人的无
    知而使其蒙受损失的人则犯诈骗罪。"

    这就叫懒惰

    课堂上,老师布置了一篇作文.题目是:什么叫懒惰?晚上,老师 在灯下批改作文.
    当他翻开杰弗斯的作文本时,发现第一页是空白的, 接着,第二页也是空白的,只
    是到了第三页,才见到了一行字."这 就叫懒惰!"

    为何出错

    妈妈:"你的老师抱怨你一个月来做功课总是出错.为什么会这样呢?" 儿子:"当
    我做对的时候,她就要吻我."

    谁创造万物

    某宗教学校的教师在课堂上厉声问学生:"你们说,是谁 创造了世 间万物?"教室
    里鸦雀无声,大家屏住呼吸,不敢出大气。教师许久听不 到回答,更加火冒三丈地
    说:"我非要你们说不可!谁?"说着,灯泡似 的眼睛盯着一位学生。那位学生抖瑟
    瑟地站起来,说:"老师,不是我!

  • ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
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    上万部txt格式小说免费下。
    ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++机房趣事

    某邮局下面的支局通过MODEM于总局连通.但线路质量不好, 常常在用的时候断线,于是,支局打电话给维护人员,\"我的机死

    啦......\"维护人员说:\"你的进程吊在上面了,等一下,我帮你把 进程杀掉......\" 时间长了,支局打电话的时候就说,\"我又吊死啦,你把我杀掉!\"




    领悟



    我以为能上线 但是我没有

    我只是怔怔望着楼下的hub 给它我最后的祝福

    这何尝不是一种领悟 让我把自己看清楚

    上网是奢侈的幸福 所以我始终很在乎

    我以为我会读书 但是我没有

    当我看到我还在ping的窗口 突然象孩子一般无助

    这何尝不是一种领悟 让我把自己看清楚

    等待是唯一的睹注 可惜依然惨不忍睹

    新的一天如此结束 一颗心眼看要荒芜

    我的等待已是错误 今天我又是白白受苦

    如此真心真意付出 我怎能满足

    啊.....多麽痛的领悟 这岂是我的生活

    只是我回首来时路的每一步都走得好痛苦

    啊.....多麽痛的领悟 这岂是我的全部

    只愿我挣脱网关枷锁 当机束缚 上个满足

    别再为网受苦........



    .

     

    网到破灭再从头



    网是胸口永不尽的痛 一次上线 四个窗口

    one two three four 每个都不会沉默

    网关是一场不尽恶梦 一再破灭 一再从头

    断续连线 试图永久

    多少风和雨 斑驳着相约的角落

    多少我和你 聚散泪和酒 不堪回首

    我的爱 我的心 我从拥有到失去你

    再连上 清华又当 何时天长地久

    断的悲 通的喜 网从断线到从头起

    再上线 多少狂喜 抵我一生的忧

    断的悲 通的喜 网从破灭到从头起

    多少你留下消息的站点 都有我



    .

     

    一个有趣的离站画面



    你真要离开这里了吗?

    时间总是这么少,哎!才相聚又要分别了。

    网友们凝视着 May 离去的背影,心里

    默默的祝福 May :一切如意!

    *********************************************************

    忽然从BBS的某个房间传出一屡断断续续的声音

    ......下...次一...定再...来...哦......。



    .

     

    一则chat时之笑话



    A: ......

    B: ......

    A: 聊的真愉快.....

    B: 是ㄚ....

    A: 对了, 你都是在那里连上网路的呀 ?

    B: 我在家里呀!!

    A: oh...? 家里也可以连 ??

    B: 我用 modem 呀!

    A: oh.....modem 牌电脑可以上网路呀??

    B: .........

    A: 怎麽没反应??

    B: sorry....我刚刚在地上打滚.....:P



    .

     

    心中的梦站



    初上BBS,就开始想象梦站的情形----市中心的某高楼里,大厅灯火通明,墙壁雪白,挂着几幅油画,地板

    光洁得闪闪发亮.中央有两排长桌,放着几十台电脑,每台前都有个人在工作.Victor Wang----一位穿西装,英挺的男人正对边上的秘书小姐

    说:\"请给我来杯咖啡,谢谢.\"............\"别傻了!\"一位站友打断道,\"你看过每天用户上机的时间吗?都是连续的,其实梦站才一台机器!\"

    被这么一说,心中的梦站就变成了----郊区的一危房内,用硬纸分隔成了几个\"房间\",被熏得发黑的墙上

    歪挂者一张不知是何年的年历.在最里面的\"房间\"里,几个人围着一台满是积灰的电脑,寒风正透过糊着破纸的窗户灌进来,人们不由拉紧了

    身上的棉袄.Victor Wang----一个叼者半截烟的糟老头,向边上一位正打着哆嗦的信管说:\"借个火,行吗?\"......



    .

     

    戒网七日



    每天下午6点到7点间是上网的黄金时间—工作用网的人这时已经下班了,而

    大多数“网虫”也在做饭、吃饭,所以一拨就通,线路也畅。我照例坐在电

    脑前,接收E-mail,查看新闻组文章,浏览当日的在线海外报刊—半年来这

    已成为了我生活的一部分。

    突然,有人在网上用ICQ呼我:“我是文东,你能不能一会儿找我一趟?”

    “干什么?不是说好了吃完饭联机打C&C吗?你家现在有两台机器?”我熟练

    地敲击键盘与他chat,这似乎比直接打电话还自然。

    “不是,游戏不打了。你就来吧,我有事求你!”他“说”完就匆匆下网了,

    这可不是他的一贯风格。文东,我的大学同学,好朋友,被大伙儿封为Internet

    的先锋人物。他在两年前就已是当时北京仅有的几个BBS上的常客,随后又率

    先上网,进入Internet世界。他不仅自己痴迷其中—在瀛海威担任“Internet

    论坛”的主持人,在geocities上建立个人主页,创办名为“English-L”(英

    语学习)的邮件讨论组(Mailing list),还到处“传播”Internet,把周围

    的朋友们都“拉下水”,纷纷上了网。我就是其中的一个,从买“猫”到选ISP,

    再从装软件到全面技术支持,文东一手包办。渐渐地Internet也成为了我生活

    的一部分,我们俩见面的次数也减少了—以E-mail或IRC交谈,使用“Qmodem”

    等软件交换文件,通过“猫”和电话线联机打游戏,似乎没有见面的需要了。

    今天他急着找我,必然是有要紧事。

    文东的家很近,不一会儿我就出现在他那间乱糟糟的小屋里。文东坐在电脑前,

    两眼直盯着显示器,半天才意识我的到来。他揉了揉疲惫的眼睛—显然是睡眠

    不足,说:“你可来了,快看看我抓的这篇文章。可怕呀!”“什么东西这么

    吓人?”我凑了上去。文章是这样的:

    “在网上冲浪是一种爱好(hobby)还是一种瘾(addiction)?如果具有以下

    症状,你便有麻烦了。

    你花大量的时间用于Internet,而忽视了重要的家庭和社会活动、工作责任、

    学习任务或身体状况。

    一个重要的人物,比如老板、亲密朋友或合作者,抱怨过你在Internet上花费

    过多的时间和金钱。

    你总是盘算着下一次上网做什么。

    减少你的上网时间—不可能!

    时光在你上网时匆匆流过,你全然不觉;尽管没做什么,但却自得其乐。

    你不可控制地察看自己的E-amil。

    你放弃吃饭、上课、赴约会而上网。

    你更愿与人在线交谈,而是不面对面讲话。

    为了挤出更多的时间上网,你的每晚睡眠时间少于5小时。

    只有当你远离电脑时,上面的症状才会消失,希望才能产生。”

    “你看我是不是已经上瘾了?这些症状我都有!”文东不等我看完就急着问。

    “本来这3个月我是在家复习,准备参加注册会计师考试的。但现在倒好,每

    天早上一起来就坐在电脑前,一直到夜里一两点钟。光E-mail就要看几百封,

    再去五六个BBS上转转,完善一下我的主页—跟你说实话吧,我主页上的那个

    记数器显示有6000多人次访问过,其中有多一半是我的访问次数……还有主持

    论坛、讨论组。反正一天忙到晚,午饭有时都不吃,根本就没看过书。”

    “我看你真是上瘾了。这么下去你还考不考试了?”我一边说一边暗自庆幸

    自己尚属于正常的Internet爱好者,每天上网不过两三个小时。

    “是啊,我也很担心。今天我在新闻祖上看到一个人控诉,说Internet害得

    他丢了工作,女朋友也吹了,这才意识到问题的严重性。刚才我在网上抓了

    一大堆有关Internet Addiction的资料进行研究,再请你帮帮忙。”

    “让我帮忙?你打算怎么办?”

    “我要戒网!”文东看到我惊呆的样子马上又作出进一步解释,“不是永远,

    至少在我复习考试期间要暂时戒掉。”

    “我怎么能帮你戒网呢?还是你教我上网的。”

    “对呀,我教你上网,你帮我戒网,礼尚往来吗。你一定要帮忙……”文东

    诚恳的样子叫人无法回绝。

    “好,我答应。不过这还真有点难,你没看见文章上说症状之一就是‘减少

    你的上网时间—不可能’吗。这样吧,我回家想个办法,不过你今天也必须

    作一些准备工作,在论坛、讨论组上面发表声明,暂时告别网络,以绝杂念。”

    “好,我马上就写,不过你明天一定要拿出个方案。”

    “行,咱们争取一周内解决问题。”

    在回家的路上我一直在考虑戒网的有效方法,现在每当我遇到问题的时候,

    第一反应就是借助Internet找到答案。所以一回到家,我就向新闻组发出了

    求助信,征集最有效的戒网方法,随后又检查了文东所作的准备工作。他果

    然在经常出没的BBS上都发表了暂时告别声明,字里行间流露的依依不舍之情

    叫人哭笑不得,不过这总算是表示了他的决心。



    第二天

    今天我的邮箱中的E-mail从平时的十几封一下疾增至一百多封,里面除了昨

    天求助信的回复, http://www.nbabigstore.com/ James Harden Swingman Home Jersey,竟然还夹着许多给文东的信。我一时也顾不得细想,赶紧

    从回信中查找戒网方案。办法真是不少!经过认真筛选,我终于精挑出一个

    既简单易行又十分有效,并且还有益于自己的万全之策—把他的“猫”拿走!

    我一口气跑到文东家。这家伙竟然又在上网,见到我才不好意思地断了线。

    “找我有什么事?”

    “你到底还想不想戒网了?”我故作严肃地问。

    “当然想了!”

    “那好,你必须先答应无条件接受我为你安排的疗法。”见他犹豫了一下又

    肯定地点点头,我大声宣布,“从今天起你的‘猫’被没收了,暂存我家。”

    “啊—”我的疗法显然出乎他的预料,“这可是我新买的摩托罗拉外置336

    大白‘猫’呀!”

    “只有这样你才没法上网。不要再动摇了,考虑一下你的注册会计师考试。”

    “……只有听你的了。‘猫’你可要好好保存。对了,还得告诉你,有些重

    要的E-mail可能会转到你的信箱里,千万不要删掉,最好帮我处理一下,不

    行就通知我。”

    “我倒成你的秘书了!行,我帮你。放心,你的‘猫’也会被充分利用的。”

    我兴冲冲地把文东的336大“猫”抱回了家,接到自己的机器上。上起网来

    真是又快又稳定,比我那个144的小破“猫”强多了。帮朋友戒网也不错嘛!



     

    第三天

    一天中我每隔几个小时就给文东打个电话,没有一次占线—这在以前是不

    可能的。他每次都说正在复习功课,还不停地追问有没有给他的重要E-mail。

    我却总是夸他的‘猫’有多棒。看来,各得其所,一切顺利。





    第四天

    截止到下午五点,文东家的电话已经占线40分钟了,这不像是在打电话。我

    有些怀疑,于是马上拨号上网,用ICQ试着查找了一下。哈,果然不出我所料,

    文东在网上。没想到他极力推荐给我的ICQ反而成了我监督他的有力工具。可

    是他的“猫”在我这呀。还不等我问,文东已经匆忙离线了,估计他也发现

    自己暴露了。

    强烈的好奇心驱使我立刻跑去文东家看个究竟,当我面对着被他打开的电脑

    机箱时,恍然大悟,原来他把已经淘汰的9600内置小“猫”又翻出来用。

    “责任在我,斩草不除根,让你钻了空子。行,这只‘猫’也禁养了!”我

    一边笑一边动手拔Modem卡,

    “你不会还有个2400的小小‘猫’吧?”

    “没有了,没有了。”文东笑着为自己辩护,“其实这也算不上爬网,我只

    不过收几封重要的E-mail,怕你

    给我误删了。”

    “下不为例。好在你这下没‘猫’使了。”我开始真正体会到文东的网瘾有多大。





    第五天

    几乎一整天,文东都表现良好,看来物质条件是决定因素。晚饭后,我先处

    理了一下转发过来的给文东的E-mail—几天来这项额外的工作已经使我有些

    厌烦,然后向文东家打今天最后一次监督电话。奇怪,他不在家。莫非是网

    瘾犯了,出去散散心。我正在猜测,不料文东竟风风火火地冲了进来。

    “干什么?来抢‘猫’啊?”

    “不是,不是。赶快让我用一下你的机器,就发几封E-mail。要紧的!”说

    着就往电脑前坐。

    望着他急切的目光,我也不好意思拒绝,“只能使一会儿!”

    “就一会儿,就一会儿。”文东打开了Modem,“怎么样,我的‘猫’好使

    吧?早就劝你也买一个。”

    情况很快就不由我控制了。文东沉迷在Internet中,把周围的一切都置之度

    外。他一次又一次把我推开:

    “别着急,一会儿就完了。”

    我不知不觉在一边打起盹来,朦胧中听见文东说:“我用完了,你使吧。”

    他一脸满足感,向我道别。

    第六天

    下午回家的路上,我产生了一种预感,文东今晚还要来找我。我盘算着马

    上回家给他打个电话,就说晚上要去看电影,不在家。先下手为强嘛。

    当我一进家门,立刻呆住了—文东已经坐在屋里了。他看见我倒十分兴奋:

    “你可回来了。你该吃饭了吧?我正好先用一下电脑,查查昨天发的E-mail

    有没有回音。”说着他就逼着我开电脑……望着他上网时那副聚精会神,

    如痴如醉的样子,真叫人又可气又可笑,我也无话可说了。

    他能戒网吗?更重要的是我还能坚持吗?文东在爬网,我在犹豫……





    第七天

    今天是周六,我一大早就去找文东,把他堵在屋里。

    “我正准备找你去,你怎么来了?”我的出现出乎他的意料。

    “我郑重宣布:由于本人能力有限,不能再胜任帮你戒网的任务了,请你

    另请高明吧!这是你的大‘猫’、小‘猫’,完璧归赵。”

    “你怎么能这么没信心,半途而废,”文东嘴上说着却一下子接过Modem,

    在手中把玩,“你要是求我帮你戒网,我义不容辞。”

    “好啦,好啦,我得走了。”我懒得作更多的解释,转身要走。

    “你急着去哪呀?”

    “你还问呢。去中关村买336的大‘猫’呗!总不见得让我回去还忍受那

    个144的破‘猫’吧?”



    .

     

    阿褥多罗三藐三菩提



    某日,信手翻阅佛经,忽发奇想,遂取昵称为“阿褥多罗三藐三菩提”,(为大智慧,至高境界之意),自觉此举既显博学,又无重复之虞,甚为得意。

    晚饭时分,退出BBS,照例收到“情书”一封。忽闻身边有人抑扬顿挫念道:“亲爱的、阿伦,直到今天,你才终于肯让我称呼你为···,为···为

    阿···阿···阿褥多···阿褥多罗三藐三菩提?!···嘿!这是什么玩艺儿管理员,出乱码啦!···”举座愕然,片刻间,众皆绝倒,喷饭声此起彼伏



    .

     

    办公室里发生的故事



    顾客:我无法接通到您那里的Internet

    技术人员:能描述一下您做了什么吗?

    顾客:我拨通了您给我的那个电话号码,但却传来一阵奇怪的啸叫声.



    .

     

    某班主页



    清华学子中有一个班的主页我每次进去都说:

    您是自2000年3月1日来到我班主页的第0001位客人。



    .

     

    上网奇遇



    某君,经常在BBS上游荡。

    一日,此君刚进站就把自己的昵称改得颇为girl化。

    过了一会儿,屏幕上方弹出了某位网友的问候语,并附加一问题:Are you a girl?

    此君回答:No, I am not.

    但是网友还是不断发讯息来打断他的进程,而且多是问一些年龄爱好类的问题。

    此君终于忍无可忍,问网友道:我已经说过,我不是女的 ,为什么还要这样?

    网友答曰:女孩都是这样回答的。... ...



    .

     

    如何复制邮件



        如果你不用中转邮箱,又想把一封电子邮件从一个邮箱复制到另

    一个邮箱,该如何办呢?教你一个好办法。用一个DC40型的数字相机对准

    你的显示器,拍下要复制的邮件内容,再用OCR(光学字符识别)将照片

    中的文字读入另一个邮箱。更绝妙的办法是,给你的电脑装上一个64位的

    即插即用PCI声卡,再配上一个高灵敏度的麦克风,运行IBM的ViaVoice语

    音识别程序,对着话筒大声读出要转寄的信件内容,这样,在你读的时候,

    ViaVoice会将你读出的单词转为ASCII文本,存在另一个邮箱里。



    .

     

    逃亡者的“天堂”





        马丁是位电脑操作员,他贪污了一大笔公款,携款出走,准备逃出国去,

    可是由于他平时与外界接触少,到处流浪了很久,也没能逃出国去。

        过了这么一段担惊受怕的日子,当他躺在旅馆的床上,心慌意乱、烦躁

    绝望、神经快要崩溃的时候,他忽然想到了互联网。据说互联网是万能的,它可

    以解答任何人的任何疑难问题,在上面你可以找到任何你想要的信息。于是他通

    过旅馆里的电脑和电话,接通了互联网,开始寻找有可能逃出国去的信息的站点,

    通过搜索引擎的苦苦搜寻,他终于发现了一个网站,站名叫做:逃亡者的天堂。

        马丁接通主页,主页上有这样一段话:欢迎您光临我们的网页,如果您

    犯了法,正在逃亡的路上,想要摆脱司法机关的追踪,我们可以教会你如何摆脱

    追踪,逃到一个绝对安全的天堂,到了那里,您用不着再担心有人来追捕你,每

    天还有免费的食宿,每天都生活在网中。

        “太妙了,这正是我想要的”,马丁非常高兴,马上用鼠标点了一个接

    通下页的按钮,过了很长的一段时间,就在马丁等得有些不耐烦的时候,屏幕上

    终于出现了一段文字:“谢谢您的光临,由于您访问了本网站的主页,您很可能

    就是我们想要追捕的一个罪犯,我们已经发现了您的藏身之所,现在警车就在外

    边等着您,您可以收拾好东西,出门上警车去,到了监狱里,您用不着再担心有

    人来追捕您,还有免费的食宿,每天都生活在铁丝网中”。落款是:司法部。

        然后,马丁听到旅馆的窗外响起了刺耳的警笛声。


    .

     

    网虫的MAIL



    网虫终日沉溺泡网,妹儿来妹儿往,一日收到一MAIL,打开全为乱码,

    于是调用GB、BIG5、HZ等解码工具解码无效,怪哉。于是将乱码邮件转发

    一高手大虾求援请教。

    次日大虾回电:我有两个消息,一个好消息,一个坏消息你先听哪个?

    网虫说:先听好消息!

    “好消息是我已成功替你解码,是采用某某方法……”

    网虫问“那坏消息呢?”

    “解码后的内容是,你的老婆要和你离婚,因为你只爱上网不爱上她”

    “……”



    .

     

    网虫取钱



    网虫话费告罄,于是去银行取钱交费,添单完毕送入柜台,柜台小姐扫了

    一眼,退将出来,曰:写上密码!网虫看了一眼单子,心中默念密码,在

    单子上写下********符号,送入柜台,一会儿又被退回,单子抬头空白处

    写有:无法建立连接,请检查用户名或密码,然后再重试。



    .

     

    一个AOL用户的自述



    一个月以前,我听说AOL有最好的在线服务,就想到那里去看看,但是没有成功。

    技术中心的几个家伙对我说应该买一个“Modem”,虽然我怀疑他们在诱骗我上当,但

    还是买了一只。



    有了Modem,我却不知道该把它装在哪儿,折腾了好半天,最后还是邻居家刚上学

    的小家伙帮我装上的。这小家伙真够聪明,他还教我怎样接通和使用AOL,我认为他是

    一个天才,但他妈妈却不这么认为。我学会了“聊天”,于是天天都去找“阿猫”、

    “阿狗”、“阿……”们闲聊。一个星期之后,我到医院做常规身体检查,医生告诉我

    ,自从我用了AOL之后,我的大脑已经萎缩了一半。怪不得,以前我能记住岳父母的名

    字,现在却只记得岳母的。我怀疑岳父大人可能根本就不存在。





    我接触到一个新玩艺儿,它叫“usenet”,那些家伙总是用大写字母,我一直想不

    通他们是怎么做到的,难道他们用的键盘跟我的不一样?我发现一个很有趣的站点,它

    声称能回答我的任何问题,于是乎?我一口气提了400个问题,包括上小学时算错的一

    道题。估计是我提的问题太难,它到今天也没有给我答案。





    我找到一个叫“REC.humor”的“group”,于是我把“鸡蛋的幽默”寄给它,但我

    不知道它是否收到了,所以我一共寄了56次。两天以后,我收到了回信。哇!它的语气

    非常粗鲁。我很生气,我要抗议,我给它的“站长”发去一封两万字的抗议信—抄来的。

    这次,我不敢肯定信址是否对,所以我又比上次多发了22次。



    我把遭遇告诉了我的邻居小天才,他说我应该去看看FAQ。天哪!小小年纪居然也会

    说脏话了。有人在我信箱里放了一个用E-mail快速致富的广告,让我大开眼界。照它说

    的,我给所有我所知道的新闻栏目都发了信。由于数量太多,三天里我给每一个栏目发

    了20遍。真高兴,我就要发财啦!



    几天前,我看到了alt.aol.suck,我认为应该把aol从当中去掉。说实在的,我已经

    开始琢磨,这个AOL到底是个什么东西。由于我的上述行为,今天,AOL停止了我的帐户,

    我想我永远搞不懂AOL是个什么东西了。



    摘自《软件世界》



    .

     

    婚姻



    A男和B女都从事计算机局域网络研究,颇有交往。一天,B接到A的“令牌”—我俩联

    网吧;B沉思良久,返回“令牌”—注意网络保密。之后,A与B秘密进行“通道访问”。

    终于有一天达成了“网络协议”。

    现在,他俩已经联网了。

    (说明:通道访问—约会;网络协议—订婚;联网—结婚) (河南 卢毅)



    .

     

    怎样知道你是一个“网虫”?



    当出现下列这些情况,你就已经是一个合格的“网虫”了。

    1.当你查火车时刻表,想的却是乘坐16Bit还是32Bit。

    2.当你这样数数—“0,1,2,3,4,……A,B,C,D,……F1,F2,……”。

    3.当你常常以33.6Kb的频率睡觉而且做256色的梦。

    4.当你太太说:如果你不马上关掉那该死的机器上床来,我就跟你离婚。

    5.当你看书时,总是找“Next Page”翻到下一页。

    6.在电梯里,你习惯于双击楼层的按钮。

    7.当你下班晚了,想给太太打个电话时,拨的却是一个IP的号码。

    8.当你开窗户或倒垃圾时,你为找到那个熟悉的图标琢磨半天。



    .

     

    免费入网



      去年我一友,受人之托找一家免开户费的ISP入网。一日行至万寿路某部大院

    内,见一横幅上书“金桥网免费入网”,大喜。入得营业厅来一看,三两台PC,

    四五个中年女士,遂上前说我要入网,一女士说先登记并递过一张表,我友便开始填表。 

      此表内容罗列身高、体重、收入、家庭离异否等栏目,我友边填边纳闷,就免

    我100元开户费,至于的吗!填好后交表,那女士接过表一边看一边说:“你需要交

    两张一寸的免冠照,两张彩色生活照,带了吗?”我友一愣还没等说话,这妇女

    大叫:“呦!!你都结婚了还要找啊!!!” 



      我友恍然大悟,敢情这是个叫金桥网的婚姻介绍所呀!



    .

     

    一个确实发声的Modem



      “你好,我是技术支持人员,您有什么问题吗?”

      “你们的软件非常奇怪!”



      “那么究竟是什么问题呢?”



      “每次我用那个软件试图利用Modem去拨号时,我都听见计算机在和我讲话,

    弄得我现在都担心是不是我神志有问题了。”



      “那你听到Modem确实拨号了吗?”



      “是的,但是有女声传过来。”



      “那么这声音说了什么?”



      “你拨叫的号码现在不在服务之内,请您挂掉电话重新拨号。”



    .

     

    初次上网



      把电脑抱回家后按入网说明逐次设置,然后兴奋地鼠标一点,上网了!咦?

    密码错误!重新设置,还是密码错误。无奈蹬车去数据局求教。服务小姐问:

    “你在输入用户名前放P了没有?”这才明白还有这么个规矩,想上网,得先在

    自己的名字前放屁(P)。



    .

     

    该死的



      好不容易把163网连通,再设置免费的169,连结提示输入用户名。服务小姐

    告知:用户名都为GUEST。又长一条见识:在免费的169网上用户的名字都是“该

    死的”(GUEST)。





    网虫的分类

      "网虫"一词虽然不雅,但大多数网虫是以此为荣的。因为
    你可以在网上的BBS站、新闻组中看到很多人的网上绰号(Nick
    name)都是netbug、networm等等,更有人将自己的个人主页命
    名为"网虫之家"、"网虫乐园"。网虫和黑客还是有区别的,黑
    客在人们心中是一些很神秘的人物,躲在暗处专干一些盗窃信
    用?


      一、见习期网虫(准虫级)


      这类网虫严格地说,算不上是真"网虫",因为他们还没有
    上网,有的甚至连电脑都没有,所以顶多是个准网虫。但虽未
    "落网",却心系网络,心向往之。和大多数电脑爱好者一样,
    平时十分关注带"电"字儿或"网"字儿的信息,比如"2000年问题
    "或"网上送花儿"之类的文章便被门外级网虫看好, 平时的IS
    P广告也是他们注意浏览的内容。准网虫对互联网络既感到深不
    可测,又充满了憧憬和幻想。一般只要条件许可,很快就会进
    化成下一级网虫。忽视他们的存在是不能被原谅的。


      二、初级网虫(爬虫级)


      爬虫的装备大都是原有的电脑+一只14.4K、28.8K或33.6K
    的猫,猫的出身、血统和奔跑速度视主人入网的时间和需求以
    及腰包丰满程度而定。1998年上网的网友即使是门外汉也知道
    至少要买33.6K的猫了,还有的盯着56K的猫等待公布其血统(工
    业标准)。


      网络技术的构成是∶自己摸索+ISP免费培训+比较专业的电
    脑杂志+网上的资深网虫个人主页。


      网上朋友仅有1~3人,通常是在周围的小圈子里经常见面
    的人,基本上天天打电话,内容大多是"怎样安装浏览器?我的
    猫怎么这么慢?"等。忙了半天第一次发出或收到伊妹儿后激动
    得两眼放光,来信必复。


      这类网虫因刚刚入网,被五花八门的主页闹得眼晕,天天
    把主要精力放在浏览主页上,有些人往往过了三个月还没见过
    自己的伊妹儿(不会收发电子函件)。这个等级的网虫因为有大
    量的问题要请教朋友,所以电话线上传递的语音信号的时间有
    时会大于数字信号的时间。


      三、中级(小虫级)


      书签内容已大大丰富,嘴边常说出一些"域名"、"主页"、
    "HTTP"之类的专业名词,令初级网虫自叹不如,信箱里也时不
    时常能收到一两封标着TEST或者HELLO字样的短信,平时能够阅
    读网上报刊杂志,对普通报刊上关于网络的故事已能泰然处之,
    甚至嗤之以鼻,但又时常担心遇到病毒或黑客。达到本级水平
    的标志是能够区别IE和Netscape,能够按自己的意愿查询和收
    集网址(而不像过去那样只会用鼠标点着现成的连接往后翻),
    能利用FTP下载各种大而无用的共享软件,能够独立(或参考网
    络杂志的文章)申请一个免费电子信箱,希望并且尝试制作个人
    主页,特别希望别人访问自己的主页,计数器上有一半数字是
    自己浏览而加上的。个人主页中充满了热门链接,尽管网虫们
    仍在争论主页中到底应该放链接指向别人还是应该有自己的东
    西,但毕竟为初级网虫缩短了查找时间。


      由于初入门时只顾到处浏览,电信局和ISP昂贵的帐单以及
    老婆的脸色使得中级网虫迅速冷静下来,严格控制自己的上网
    时间,并从网络杂志中找寻"如何加快上网速度、浏览器密技、
    上网省钱妙法"等经验技巧,专业网络杂志开始受到中级网虫的
    喜爱。


      四、副高级网虫(大虫级)


      这里的大虫可不是《水浒》中的老虎,但也够威风的,不
    信请看∶拥有一大把POP3的免费电子信箱,个人主页中充满了
    各种令初中级网虫流口水的好东西,主页存放地从美国的Geoc
    ity、Tripod到广州网易、东方网景到处都是,随身配备网络传
    呼机(ICQ)、网络大哥大(IPHONE),经常出入于网上的IRC、BB
    S、讨论组等高消费娱乐场所,有了自己的网上绰号(Nickname)
    ,拥有一些遍及全球的从未见面的网络朋友,大家相互用中国
    式的英语或美国式的汉语或汉语加英语写信或聊天,每天起床
    先检查电子信箱中是否有新邮件,如果没有,就给自己发一封
    测试信。作息时间视网上交通流量的变化而定,一般夜深人静
    之时,往往是大虫们最活跃的时候。FTP的用途不再是下载,而
    是将得意之作上载至服务器供大家下载。名片上印着自己的伊
    妹儿芳名、烘焙鸡(个人主页)地址,已经不习惯和人面对面说
    话(因为爱上了伊妹儿和BBS),写字基本上不会(因为天天打字)
    。已经按坏了三个鼠标、换了两个猫。


      经过装修,本级别的个人主页开始有自己的主题,比如环
    境保护、书摘、军事、电脑网络等,不再靠热门链接装点门面。
    有些大虫还开办了网上电子杂志。


      五、高级网虫(飞虫级)


      飞虫是一种珍稀动物,很难发现,但如果你接到一封电子
    函件,上面的日期是1997年而不是1998年,很可能就是飞虫发
    出的,因为他用的各种尖端工具软件有时间限制,所以只好把
    电脑时钟改为去年的。


      飞虫信箱中的电子函件已经多得无法一一回复,个人主页
    的计数器已翻动到五位数甚至更多,留言板内容已远远超过主
    页内容长度,通常在某个BBS或讨论组中担任版主之职,为人排
    忧解难,指点迷津,少数飞虫竟然要在网上招聘助手来帮助料
    理个人主页的留言板或讨论组。由于阅历丰富,其Nickname在
    某个地区或网站的范围内已如雷贯耳(有时候飞虫也忘了自己的
    本名叫什么),经常应邀在专业杂志或晚报电脑版发表写给前几
    级网虫的文章。初级网虫要想达到此级水平,必须掂量掂量自
    己的银子和脑子是否够用。


      由于我们的职称评定标准是刚刚制订,有些条款还不够周
    到,可能会使部分网虫的职称晋升受到影响,比如没有将虫家
    的主页计数器指标、平均上网时间、电脑档次和猫的血统考虑
    在内,因为真正的飞虫可能使用一台很破的电脑和出身贫寒的
    小猫,但其有效上网时间要远远大于开着奔腾MMX,抱着名门黑
    猫或白猫的发烧级爬虫。如有意见,请发伊妹儿到 讨说法,如
    果你要找我理论,我叫Netman(不叫网虫而叫网人是因为自认尚
    未达到虫级水平)。
    ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
    欢迎光临txt小说之家
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    所有小 说解压密码为www.915c.com
    上万部txt格式小说免费下。
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  • Robert Griffin 3 could not operate, a minimum of not really by any means like their typical sprints with the collection as well as in to open up grass. Robert Griffin 3 could not toss, a minimum of not really the actual heavy darts which proceed the actual stores as well as maintain protection truthful.

    Robert Griffin 3 could not guide the actual Wa Redskins' criminal offense, not really following their leg buckled within the very first one fourth of the NFC wild-card online game towards Seattle. A few performs later on Wa required the two-touchdown guide however the offer had been carried out. It might obtain simply 41 back yards within the following 2 . 5 useless groups along with Griffin because quarterback, basically guaranteeing Seattle's 24-14 triumph.

    Robert Griffin 3 could not perform high of something Weekend other than lay, that is exactly what he is already been educated to complete within circumstances such as this.

    Lay in order to themself he may nevertheless provide such as absolutely no back-up might. Lay in order to their trainer this had been absolutely nothing large. Lay towards the physicians that attempted in order to evaluate him or her within the swirl of the playoff sideline.
    Robert Griffin had been the spend associated with themself within Sunday's reduction towards the Seahawks. (AP)
    Therefore Robert Griffin 3 humiliated, that will be forgiven simply because this can be a activity which benefits strength when confronted with good sense, the lifestyle which celebrates the actual soldier who's prepared to depart every thing about the area, a company which thinks this kind of is tend to be the main street in order to success.
    [Related: Twitter reaction to decision on RG3]

    "I'm the actual quarterback, no matter what portion I'm, inch Griffin reasoned later on. "If you are able to perform, a person perform. inch

    To begin with, this is a cliché. 2nd, he or she could not perform. Not really good enough in order to earn the overall game anyhow.

    With every click there is the danger associated with not only additional hurting which useful leg, however to be hurt in different ways simply because he or she had been no more effective at protecting themself through staying away from popular within the wallet or even rushing from the linebacker.

    "I do place personally from much more danger becoming available, inch Griffin stated.

    A minimum of which was the facts, even though he or she rapidly reverted in to much more clichés.

    "But each time a person action about the soccer area in between individuals outlines you are placing your lifetime, your job [and] each and every tendon within your body at risk, inch RG3 stated.

    [Related: Doctor disputes Mike Shanahan on RG3's knee]

    Obviously you may be hurt from any time. You are able to truly obtain hurt from any time although when you are able no more maneuver around and steer clear of strikes.

    It had been just about all the lay so in retrospect first year quarterbacks are not designed to help to make the phone call. Instructors tend to be.

    Griffin did not possess a trainer Weekend.

    He'd Paul Shanahan, that looked over this particular clutter, looked over every hapless Redskins generate, looked over each and every unpleasant RG3 action, looked over each and every uncomfortable, overthrown move, as well as rather purchased Griffin's fragile quarrels after which shut their eye as well as humiliated in order to themself it might just about all come out OKAY.

    Other than this did not. Not really about the scoreboard. And never within Griffin's leg, that was ultimately carried out within whenever he or she was not actually effective at twisting more than as well as scooping upward a good errant click within the 4th one fourth. Rather the world-class sportsman awkwardly arrived at till their correct leg hyper-extended beneath him or her.

    He or she ended up inside a pile about the grass, clutching which leg whilst Seattle retrieved a present fumble which resulted in a simple, game-clinching area objective.

    It had been the ultimate evidence he in no way should have already been available. Last but not least, as well past due, their day time had been carried out.


    The actual NATIONAL FOOTBALL LEAGUE globe is actually second-guessing Paul Shanahan. (UNITED STATES These days)"If you do not draw him or her away after that, you need to obtain terminated, inch Shanahan stated.

    Wa is at eager require associated with this kind of good sense well before which. It had been eager for Shanahan in order to jim this particular eager-to-please wunderkind about the back again, display him or her the actual table as well as place the able back-up, Kirk Cousins.

    Not only for future years from the business, even though that might be sufficient. The actual Redskins required this for that existing chance to earn Sunday's online game.

    Rather this obtained foolish conversations.

    "I spoken in order to Robert as well as he or she believed to me personally, 'Coach, there is a distinction in between becoming hurt as well as becoming harm, a inch Shanahan relayed later on. "He stated, 'I may assure I am harm at this time however provide me personally the opportunity to earn this particular soccer online game simply because We assure I am not really hurt. a

    "That, inch Shanahan stated, "was sufficient personally. inch

    Which, Shanahan should have recognized, had been only a youthful participant duplicating an additional baseless cliché he or she most likely acquired from the grainy NATIONAL FOOTBALL LEAGUE Movies voiceover arranged in order to leaping symphonic songs.

    [Photos: Rough outing for RG3, Redskins]

    Shanahan recognized later on which, "I'll most likely second-guess myself" as well as for your he or she warrants the way of measuring credit score. He or she was not rebellious regarding coming this upon Weekend.

    Nevertheless, this particular was not a few click choice within the warmth from the second. This particular performed away more than several hours, having a halftime actually constructed in the centre. There have been 5 consecutive number of futility for any 60-year-old trainer to begin having faith in their own eye instead purchasing the w. utes. of the 22-year-old.

    "He believed to me personally, 'Trust me personally, I wish to maintain presently there as well as We should have to stay presently there, '" Shanahan stated. "And We could not don't agree along with him or her. inch

    Shanahan is actually compensated in order to don't agree along with him or her. That is their work.

    From 1 stage within the 4th one fourth Shanahan made the decision he or she desired to check in the event that RG3 might nevertheless operate, phoning for any easy QB keeper. It had been, in writing, efficient, the 9-yard obtain left. To determine the actual perform, nevertheless, had been to determine one of the biggest hurrying devices within the category hobble towards the outdoors, their leg virtually wobbling upon every action. It had been powerful obstructing and also the component of shock which managed to get function.

    "I requested him or her about this in those days, inch Shanahan stated. "He stated, 'Coach, We could've operate quicker. No one had been presently there. I acquired [9] back yards. That isn't as well poor. We guarantee in the event that I must try it again I possibly could proceed quicker.

    "He offered me personally the best solution. inch

    That is just simply because Shanahan had been requesting the incorrect query. That is to express he or she was not requesting any kind of queries whatsoever.

    Upon as well as upon Shanahan's press meeting proceeded to go. The actual trainer actually unwittingly described the reason why he or she held listening to exactly the same solutions through Griffin, whenever he or she required time for you to compliment the center as well as battle of the natural born player as well as announced that the participant that will not depart a game title is actually "the kind of participant you want. inch It is a group associated with rubbish.

    Shanahan had been strike along with allegations Weekend through Doctor. Wayne Andrews, the actual famous sports activities doctor, regarding Griffin's unique damage towards Baltimore upon 12 ,. 9. Shanahan formerly stated he place RG3 in which online game just simply because Andrews removed the ball player. Andrews problematic which, stating the actual quarterback would not actually allow physician look at him or her as well as he or she in no way fortunate the actual come back.
    A good MRI upon Mon may figure out the actual degree associated with Robert Griffin III's leg damage. (AP)
    "It was not the viewpoint, http://www.eshopfalcons.com/ Falcons Julio Jones Elite Jersey, inch Andrews informed UNITED STATES These days. "We did not actually reach contact him or her or even speak with him or her. Frightened the actual heck from me personally. inch

    Shanahan appeared to fault everything upon miscommunication however it talked to some sideline within disarray. The ball player is actually cleaning away physicians? The actual trainer is actually inventing discussions towards the press? That precisely is within cost close to right here?

    When it comes to degree associated with Griffin's most recent damage, that understands at this time? A good MRI is actually planned Mon. In the beginning Griffin stated this did not really feel any kind of even worse compared to Dec damage. After that following the online game, because points stiffened, he or she accepted it may be even worse.

    "I have no idea exactly how poor it's, inch he or she stated.

    He or she did not understand following the online game. He or she did not understand within the online game. He or she is not designed to understand. He's, since the soccer program trained him or her nicely, designed to lay in order to their trainer as well as convince their teammates which he is indestructible as well as invincible.

    Therefore Robert Griffin 3 do their work Weekend, and then possess Paul Shanahan not really perform their.

    And today Wa may just wish the playoff reduction had been the actual most detrimental point which occurred due to this.

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  • ___

    挤奶

    某日公车上来了一位小姐,手上提了一瓶鲜奶。当公车驶到了一个大站,眼看人越来
    越多,挤得连喘气都有困难……
    不一会小姐拿的鲜乳竟然被人潮挤破了鲜乳沾满了她的丝袜。小姐气极败坏的说:讨
    厌!!不要挤啦!人家的奶都给你挤出来了。
    ___

    烤鸭

    某日,一位年轻人,走进一间烤鸭店。小姐,你们有没有卖烤鸭?。店主是一位妙龄
    少女。有啊!有北京烤鸭和南京板鸭喔!先生您要什麽口味的?嗯……。有什麽差别
    呢?。这个嘛…好吧!你跟我来一下。说毕,这妙龄少女便带这位先生到後厨房。你
    看喔!边说著,这少女便抓起一个笼子内的鸭子,用手用力插入这鸭子的肛门。呱
    呱。ㄚㄚ!!鸭子奋力争扎。听到没?少女微笑道:这种声音,就是南京板鸭的叫
    声。喔…。年轻人於是又问道:那北京烤鸭呢?少女於是又抓起另一笼子内的鸭子,
    再用手插入一次。ㄍㄧㄚㄚ!!!呐!这就是北京烤鸭罗!先生,您要那一种?嗯
    ……,那我买一只南京板鸭好了。说罢,这少女就为他包了一只板鸭。谢谢惠顾!少
    女微笑地说著。不客气。年轻人微笑地回答,便转身离去。噢!对了!小姐, 是那
    里人呢?……。年轻人笑嘻嘻地问道。少女腼腆地笑著说:你要不要跟我到厕所试试
    看?
    ___

    淫淫笑话1

    谁伟大?

    你知道世界上那种男人最自大?──德州牛仔与苏俄猎人!
    有一天,一个德州佬与一个苏俄猎人同在西伯利亚的一间小酒吧里喝酒,室外冰天雪
    地,室内温暖如春。喝著喝著,俩人就开始抬杠,互相吹嘘自己是世界上最强壮的男
    人;吹著吹著,俩人火气上冒,眼看就要开扁,酒保看到苗头不对,就跑出来劝架
    说∶「你们再吵下去也没有结果,不如一人出去作一件事,证明自己是世界上最强壮
    的男人,赢的人由我请喝酒。」
    俄国猎人说∶「这是我的地盘,我先去。」马上就很英勇的出去了……。,过了大
    约半个小时,俄国猎人歪歪斜斜的回来了,衣衫不整,血痕斑斑,往吧台上一靠∶
    「拿酒来,我赢定了」
    「且慢!」德州佬说∶「你作了什麽事?」
    『我空手打败了一只北极熊!』
    德州佬一声不响,回头就出了出去;……。
    这一次过了一个钟头才看到德州佬跌跌撞撞的回来,沿路滴血,简直体无完肤,往吧
    台上一趴∶「酒来!这回我赢定了,」
    「且慢!你做了什麽事?」俄国猎人问。
    德州佬很得意的回答∶『我fuck了一只北极熊!!』
    ___

    淫淫笑话2

    长短笑话

    英国人、美国人和日本人搭同一班飞机;不慎失事,迫降於非洲(据说有时食人族出
    没之地区)不巧的是他们三人还来不及逃生就被捡去当晚餐了。当他们正愁眉不展地
    看著食人族们大跳呼嘎吓嘎舞时,见到酋长前来审视这三尊肥美的晚餐……三人怀一
    线生机,试图与酋长作沟通(当然不是用快译通的啦!)他们以肢体语言表达要求酋
    长放条生路……;土著酋长是答应了,不过,却出了道考题为难他们(当然也不会是
    这次联考的题目啦!)
    他的题目是:要三人把那话儿掏出来量一量,加起来若正好19cm……就释放!这
    时,英国人自告奋勇先量,哇!有7公分耶!再来是美国人10公分。最後是日本人
    两公分(哈!)各位看官请算算:7+10+2=19对不?!酋长言而有信,就放
    了他们。三人连跑带爬地离开了食人村,逃命去也!!走著!走著!日本人大大地嘘
    了一口气说道:呼!好哩加在。刚刚在量长度时,我也不知怎地,突然就兴奋了!不
    然。(不然怎样,相信各位也已清楚了吧!)所以,依愚妇之见呢!这男士们的长短?
    τ胫肿澹挥嗅余福。┯薪洗蟮墓叵担。?
    ___

    淫淫笑话3

    沙漠骆驼

    两伊战争时一位上尉调到伊郎前线担任连长的职位,到任时他问传令∶「在这沙漠部
    队中没有女人,你们是如何解决基本的需求呢?」
    传令指著绑在帐棚外的骆驼说∶「都是靠它阿!」
    连长满脸疑惑的说∶「都靠它?」
    传令点点头。连长感到不可思议。
    过了一个多月,连长难耐生理的需求,於是把传令叫来说∶「把那骆驼牵到我房里
    来!」
    传令奇怪的问∶「把骆驼牵到你房?」
    连长回答∶「少罗唆,牵进来就是了。」
    过了约30分钟,连长疲惫地出来说∶「真难搞定!」
    传令不解地问∶「连长跟骆驼在房里做什麽?」
    连长说∶「当然是做那件事喽!你们不也一样。」
    传令答说∶「连长,我是说我们都靠这只骆驼载我们到城去找女人啊
    ___

    淫淫笑话4

    一位年老的富商和年轻的姑娘结婚,为了让太太惊喜,富商请医生为他移殖黑猩猩的
    睾丸。不久,年轻的太太怀孕了,婴儿出生的那天,富商在产房外焦急的等待,当医
    生出来时,富商迫不急待的问:医生,请问是男的?还是女的?我也不知道!医生无
    奈的说:它一直挂在吊灯上,不肯下来。
    ___

    淫淫笑话5

    大康到阿洲家拜访,凑巧阿洲不在,他的太太正好在刺绣。大康看了以后道:你的刺
    绣真漂亮!
    阿洲的太太说:过奖了,假如你喜欢的话,我也为你绣一个。
    大康回家之後,把这件事告诉太太,并称赞阿洲的太太回答得十分得体。过了几天,
    阿洲来拜访大康,刚好他也不在家,他的太太抱著孩子在玩。
    阿洲道:您的孩子真漂亮,圆圆胖胖的好可爱!
    大康的老婆得意地说:您过讲了!假如你喜欢的话,我也为你生一个。
    ___

    淫淫笑话6

    疲惫不堪的丈夫对妻子说:不管谁打电话来,都说我不在。一会儿,电话铃声响了,
    妻子拿起话筒小声地说:喂!我先生现在再家啦!
    我不是交代过你,要说我不在吗?丈夫怒气冲冲地吼道。
    电话是打给我的。妻子回答。
    ___

    淫淫笑话7

    在旅馆内,两人翻云覆雨之後,男的抽著烟,问到:你家的管教很严吧!如果你怀孕
    的话,怎麽办?
    那我会去自杀,绝不会连累别人。女的回答。
    是吗?那太好了!我们再来一次吧!
    ___

    女佣A:「我真可怜,每天都要一直说"是,太太;是,太太"。」
    女佣B:「我更歹命,每天都要不停地说"不,先生;不,先生"。」

    男:「你先脱, 等你脱完我再脱。」
    女:「我脱的比较慢, 还是你先脱好了。」
    男:「那这样子吧! 节省时间我们一起脱。」
    女:「这怎麽好意思呢?」
    男:「没关系啦, 自己人嘛。」
    女:「那就快!把全部都塞进来, 小心! 不要把衣服弄脏喔!」
    男:「嗯....有这台脱水机, 真是方便多了。」

    一对幽会的情侣.....

    女:『如果还有10分钟就世界末日了,您会做什麽事呢?』
    好色男:『我会想疯狂地和你做爱!』
    女:『可是你最多也只要1分钟就够了。』

    闲聊中…..

    某甲:『昨晚我与女朋友那个那个了之後,她说我像是洗衣机里的洗衣棒,不知道这
    是什麽意思?』
    某乙:『嗯,大概是形容你的表现很勇猛精进吧』
    某丙笑说:『哈!才不呢,你们可知道洗衣棒总是放在比它大很多的洗衣槽里。』

    某女校男老师在课堂上大发雷霆:「我在上面累得半死,而你们却在下面一动也不
    动。
    我前後已经付出这麽多了,你们到底有没有吸收到什麽东西啊?」
    女学生们..............

    一对陌生男女在 pub 邂遘之後,两人移步到比较幽暗的角落风雨交加了起来。
    当男伴用手抚摸女方的私处时,她呼吸急促地说..:
    "啊!好舒服...............
    可是你的戒指弄痛了我...."
    好色男一脸气愤的说......: "喂!小姐那是我的手表哩...."

    男人愿意付二块钱在价值一块钱且是他想要的东西上
    女人愿意付一块钱在价值二块钱但不是她想要的东西上

    女人期待结婚之後他会改变,但他不会
    男人期待结婚之後她不会改变,但她会

    女人一直担心未来的日子,一直到她找到老公
    男人从不担心未来的日子,一直到他找到老婆

    结了婚的男人比没结婚的男人长寿,但是结了婚的男人却都想死

     

    新来的公鸡

    有一个农夫觉得自己家的公鸡太老了,决定买一只年轻的公鸡来,这样
    可以让母鸡们都满意。小公鸡买来后,老公鸡认为小公鸡会取代自己的
    地位,就对小公鸡说:"这样吧,咱们围着院子跑十圈,谁跑赢了,就证
    明谁身强力壮,母鸡们就归谁。"小公鸡同意了。一开始,老公鸡一马当
    先冲了出去,小公鸡在后面紧紧追赶。母鸡们都在喊加油。三、四圈一
    过,老公鸡力气不支,小公鸡逐渐赶上。眼看就要超过老公鸡了,忽听
    砰一声枪响,小公鸡一头栽倒在地。农夫手里拿着一杆枪,气愤地说:
    "他们又卖给我一只同性恋的鸡!"

    日光浴

    某女郎某日独自上到饭店顶上,进行日光浴。
    因为没有其它人,她便全身赤裸。
    忽然她听到有人上来,便改成俯卧,并拉了条浴巾盖在背上。
    来人是饭店经理,他请她换个地方进行日光浴。她很不耐烦地问为什么。
    "因为你正躺在餐厅的天窗上"

    谁先死

    : 一位母亲生了一对双胞胎,两人一起吃他们妈的奶,可是不够吃,于是两个小坏种:
    都想把对方毒死,他俩分别在他妈的米米上图上毒药,你们猜谁死了。
    自然是孩儿他爸死啦。。。 好惨哪。。。。。!

    药剂师

    话说有对论及婚嫁的情侣,有天女的对男的说,我们也快结婚了,
    明天我带你去见我爸,顺便先把身体给你,但你要先做好防护措施,
    男的听了很高兴的答应了,第二天就跑去药局要买套套,
    到了药局,药剂师很亲切地问男要买什麽,男的很不好意思的问答要买套套,
    并且把和女友的情况告诉药剂师,问他那个牌子比较好用,
    药剂师听了就对男的说,好小子,真有你的,於是就开始对男的介绍产品,
    讲著讲著越讲越起劲,从套套到技巧药剂师无一不告诉男的,
    最後男的买完了套套,要离开药房时,药剂师还对男的说,要好好加油啊,
    第二天男的依约准时到了约定的餐厅,而这时女的和她父亲也到了,
    坐下後,男的说,用餐前让我们先祷告吧, 女的欣然的答应了,於是大家都把头低下,
    一分钟过去了,男的还在祷告.....二分钟过去了,男的还是低著头,三分钟过去了,男的
    头还是没抬起来,..........
    最後十分钟过去了,男的还是没抬头,於是女的就纳闷了,对男的说,我从来都不知道你
    这麽虔诚,
    於是男的也说了........... 我也从来都不知道你爸是药剂师..........

    抢劫

     中年男子在暗巷抢劫一名老处女,一阵搜索後,中年男子摇头:
    「你身上没有珍贵东西
    「有,」老处女涨红脸急促道:
    「我是个处女」

    委婉

    史密斯太太於今日的车祸中受伤。 她因胸部割伤目前於县立医院疗养当中。"编辑训
    诫新上任的记者 说。
    "这是份家庭报纸。我们不使用胸 部这种字。现在拿回去用委婉一点 的字表示!"
    年轻的记者绞尽脑汁想了良久。终 於他呈出了以下这篇报导, http://www.snthunder.com/ Free shipping Sefolosha Jersey。""史密斯太太於今日的
    车祸中受伤。
    她因 (.)(.)割伤目前於县立医院疗养当 中。"

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